Today, I can risk being myself.

The past few days have truly been a struggle for me.

I have been using the mantra: "LET GO AND LET GOD."

It has helped. It has also made me realize that I do not have to try to keep a "looking good" facade on all of the time. If I let things go, it is okay. If I choose to feel a certain way, it is okay. If I walk away from a mess that is not mine to clean up, it's OKAY.

In the past, I have had a really hard time being myself. As a young girl, I was a home-body. I enjoyed being around my mom, doing crafts, baking, and playing with dolls. That feeling continued into middle school, until I started getting noticed by boys. Since I had a hurt ego from a childhood of being bullied about my weight, I thought that a boy liking me was absolutely amazing, and that I needed to do everything to keep it that way.

I lacked confidence.

I lacked integrity.

I lacked the ability to say no.

I never really understood, and I still don't understand how someone could truly like me. How could it be for my looks? How could it be for my brains? How could anyone like me? I only kind of liked me!!!

Since starting the Al-Anon and CoDA programs, I have begun to like myself. I have started aspiritual journey of healing my soul, so that the future interactions that I hope to have all turn out better than the ones in my past.

In many instances, I feel extremes of emotions. Either I am so shy, afraid to speak, and paranoid of what others think of me, OR, I am boisterous, self aware, and so confident I seem to come off a little cocky or pompous. The feels wave in and out, and I am never too sure of what might end up occupying my head and heart for the moment.

The uncertainty of which feeling will stay goes hand in hand with the amount of comfort I feel in any given situation. If I am comfortable, I am confident. If I am not, I end up feeling like a nervous wreck and that I have to prove something to someone or that I have to show that I am good and worthy of being liked. I feel like I have to please people.

Now, more than before, I am able to actually feel like I can be myself. It takes a LOT of self reflection to catch those self conscious feelings and to turn them into positivity, but with awareness and faith, I know that I do act, think, and feel differently that I have EVER felt in the past.

This program allows me to be myself. This program gives me the gift of friends, support, and confidants that I can LET in.

Now, instead of lying about stuff and trying to make the situation look better than it is, I TRULY GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER. 

Becoming more human has been difficult and frightening at times, but being more genuine allows me to have real relationships, real communication, and REAL HAPPINESS.  

I don't need to make myself LOOK GOOD. I already DO!!!

 

Today's affirmations from my Al-Anon reading:

Today, I can risk being myself. I don't have to live up to anyone's image. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BE ME. 

How have you been able to make a change in yourself? I'd love to hear from you!!

<3 Amelia