Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

It has been a month or so since I last blogged.


I don't know why I felt compelled to do so today. Maybe because I don't know who to talk to about my feelings.

I am sad. I might just be pms-ing, which is a lame excuse, and right now it's ok with me. I want to write for me, and others to read. Some times it includes the low moments.Hopefully, tomorrow, I will be seeing and feeling differently.

I have been trying to see the light on my future path, yet more and more dirt and sparkles keep getting thrown on it. The dirt and sparkles being things I don't like and do like. Those specks make it hard to see the truth. Those specks are provoking emotions, wherein emotion has no place.

I know that I need to pray for an answer. I know that I could be shown a sign, given a Yes or a No. Maybe I won't receive an answer at all, and that will be a sign to wait. The main thing is, I have to pray.

"When we pause to pray, we are opening ourselves to peace."

And when we pray, we realize that what we want isn't what He may want. In those answers lies out path. In those answers he shows us his plan. It is our choice to live in a way that we follow his plan, with love. It is acceptance.

Peace and Love

Life isn't about the ending point, it's about the journey; we aren't born the ultimate person we become, because growing, living, peace, serenity, happiness, wealth, and love are all a process. The only thing that is constant is change.

I read a great quote today by Ghandi:  

"Outward peace is useless without inner peace."

My own testament of this is probably wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting my emotions show. I haven't mastered the art of facial disguise, probably because I am so emotional, but I am working on it. 

Funny thing, these emotions. One time, I told myself, "Listen to your heart.." Then, I found myself in some sticky situations. Emotions are totally impractical, unreliable, and just because I feel them, doesn't mean they are true. Emotions are not accountable, and they almost always muck up a situation. So, the next time you are trying to make a decision, use your brain. That's all you can really rely on. THINK.

I saw this cool Bob Marley quote/pic today on FB...







Even though I don't feel capable of investing my heart and soul into a relationship, I do feel like I've been lead on, in a couple of different directions. I want to firmly plant my feet in an independent relationship with myself, and until I am capable of loving myself for who I am, without the approval or acceptance of another person, I don't think I can be. I need friends, not lovers,--supporters, not fighters. 

I love you but not your choices.  

<3 Amelia

Everyone is going through their own stuff.

Tonight, a friend reminded me that, no matter what, everyone is going through their own issues, and for that we must not judge them.
This was perfectly said, and I needed to hear it because lately, I have been judging others some what harshly. I haven't been living the way I know that will give me serenity and peace. I haven't been walking the walk.

I don't need to feel anothers pain, happiness, joy, sorrow, anger, or frustration to feel WHOLE. I can feel whole just by myself. That doesn't mean I don't empathize with others, it just means I have to step back and think about what is mine to feel and what isn't

MY feelings are just that: my feelings. I am sitting here having  a "Poor Little Old Me" party, wishing things were easier, better, and that I had my picture perfect life already. I want security. I want love. I want comfort. Yes, those things are enjoyable, and I want them!!! I know what I really need, though, and that is not going to come from anyone or anything else but me. 

I hear at a meeting tonight, "I am trying to gain emotional sobriety." This is my goal, as well.

Serenity and peace come from within.

^^ I think that this is going to be my first tattoo, right on my ribcage.  :) 

WEI WU WEI: Doing not-doing.

 

"Less and Less do you need to force things,

 until finally you arrive at non-action. 

when nothing is done, 

nothing is left undone." 

--Lao-tzu

The beauty of life comes when you are able to Wei Wu Wei-- doing not-doing. 

"The game plays the game, the poem writes the poem and we can't tell the dancer from the dance. Nothing is done because the doer has wholeheartedly vanished into the deed."

--Stephen Mitchell

As I was meditating today, I reached a new level of consciousness. I felt. I breathed. I listened to my soul speak to my heart. I found answers in not-doing, because I was truly doing what I needed to do: Focus on myself.

This reasoning, this idea, this knowledge seems to be just happening to me, so to read about it today, was earth shattering amazing. 

I am a great believer of coincidences, but now, more than ever, I know they aren't that. Instead, it's the soul of the Universe speaking to me, teaching me, showing me, loving me. 

It can be the littlest things that turn out to be the biggest things, and that goes back to the concept of wei wu wei, doing not-doing. If you are in tune with the soul of the world, you are living in the present, doing the most, and seeing everything for what it is. 

Spirituality has become my sport, my drug, my high.

I want to do not-doing with my spirituality in the world. I want to see, hear, and feel the love this universe has for me. Embracing my higher power has allowed me to want this more than ever before. 

"I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts."

--Al-Anon: Courage to Change, pg. 339

"Whatever I focus on, I create in my life." --In This Moment, CoDA reader, pg. 339

"I ask God to help keep me on my course that will change me for better."--ODAT, pg.339

"Without Al-Anon, I might not have tapped into that Grace and the ability to love myself and others, EXACTLY where we are at in this moment in time." --Hope For Today, pg 339

My heart is holding onto these affirmations today, taking each in, feeling, loving, knowing--I am right where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing, and loving all that is this life, for there is no do over. 

I thank the Lord, for allowing me to go through hard times, so that I can grown, and find strength through overcoming anything that I am put through. 

"The only way past something is THROUGH it." 

Much love, to all of you. XOXO

<3 Amelia