Closing time.

My emotions seem to be getting the best of me, lately.

Today I actually cried.

Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.

I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.

An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.

 Closing Time by SEMISONIC

The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity. 

I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.

When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore

I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be. 


With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.

In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."

The answer will come, just let it happen!!

I know I am not the only one with a million and one things to do this time of the year, but it sure does feel like I have more decisions to make than I normally do.

With the Christmas season, there is always a "to-do" list a mile long:

• shopping
• baking
• cooking
• visiting family
• card making
• decorating
• cleaning
• finding a Christmas tree (check!!-->)

Then comes the tasks for the new year, and those are are so hard to plan and predict, that it seems almost stupid to even TRY!!! The ones I know I must do are:

• al-anon and coda meetings
• day care for Alexzander
• job schedule (ER? tutoring?? nannying????)
• class schedule (orgo and physics)
• budget (classes, gas, daycare)
• baking business/hobby ??? (anyone who is a business developer and who wants to help out, feel free to jump on board!!)

Now, with all of those things written down, know that some things I can plan and plan for, but no matter what they will just have to work themselves out. As for the things I do have control over, I am learning to take small steps to accomplish the bigger goal. Like with the Christmas tree project....instead of trying to do it all yesterday, I let it go, and it worked out perfectly that we went today!!

With these decisions and the tasks that I am facing, it's about making small progress to get towards the bigger goal, which should always be in the background of my thinking. I am working on this!!

I know, certainly, that whatever decision that I make, because I am praying about it and being open to my higher powers guidance, will be the right one. I know that because I have the strength, hope and faith in my heart that I am on the right path.

I have the power, which I have derived from my higher power whom I call God, and that is the power to change my own life. Such simple and basic truths, to another it may seem elementary, but to me, it is now like opening a brand new book of wisdom. The reason this is happening is because I am allowing my heart to be open, and to feel the words, instead of just letting them go in one ear and out the other.

"You have plenty of time to let the answer come to you."

This is what I am focusing on at the present moment. It was as if magic spewed out of a friends mouth when I heard this today. SO inspiring, but SO simple. WOW.

Sometimes, I am lucky, and answers to things just COME to me. A sign, an omen, an idea, or a message. But, that isn't always the case, so I am remembering that I am also a really good judge of what I should be doing. I KNOW THE ANSWER, YET I AM UNWILLING TO ACCEPT IT. That gut feeling, you know?? Yeah. 

Above all, I believe. 

How are you getting through this busy end of the year season???

<3 Amelia



 

WEI WU WEI: Doing not-doing.

 

"Less and Less do you need to force things,

 until finally you arrive at non-action. 

when nothing is done, 

nothing is left undone." 

--Lao-tzu

The beauty of life comes when you are able to Wei Wu Wei-- doing not-doing. 

"The game plays the game, the poem writes the poem and we can't tell the dancer from the dance. Nothing is done because the doer has wholeheartedly vanished into the deed."

--Stephen Mitchell

As I was meditating today, I reached a new level of consciousness. I felt. I breathed. I listened to my soul speak to my heart. I found answers in not-doing, because I was truly doing what I needed to do: Focus on myself.

This reasoning, this idea, this knowledge seems to be just happening to me, so to read about it today, was earth shattering amazing. 

I am a great believer of coincidences, but now, more than ever, I know they aren't that. Instead, it's the soul of the Universe speaking to me, teaching me, showing me, loving me. 

It can be the littlest things that turn out to be the biggest things, and that goes back to the concept of wei wu wei, doing not-doing. If you are in tune with the soul of the world, you are living in the present, doing the most, and seeing everything for what it is. 

Spirituality has become my sport, my drug, my high.

I want to do not-doing with my spirituality in the world. I want to see, hear, and feel the love this universe has for me. Embracing my higher power has allowed me to want this more than ever before. 

"I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts."

--Al-Anon: Courage to Change, pg. 339

"Whatever I focus on, I create in my life." --In This Moment, CoDA reader, pg. 339

"I ask God to help keep me on my course that will change me for better."--ODAT, pg.339

"Without Al-Anon, I might not have tapped into that Grace and the ability to love myself and others, EXACTLY where we are at in this moment in time." --Hope For Today, pg 339

My heart is holding onto these affirmations today, taking each in, feeling, loving, knowing--I am right where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing, and loving all that is this life, for there is no do over. 

I thank the Lord, for allowing me to go through hard times, so that I can grown, and find strength through overcoming anything that I am put through. 

"The only way past something is THROUGH it." 

Much love, to all of you. XOXO

<3 Amelia

We get by, with a little help from our friends.

Today was an absolutely, positively, magnificently, glorious day.  :)

Great yoga, empowering shift in the ER, beautiful sunset on the way home, and an AWESOME CoDA meeting tonight. 

 

I have learned that many things are not just what they seem, but they are rather a huge manifestation of many characteristics, ranging from people, places, to things. 

We would not be who we are if we did not have the environment around us. 

We would not know what we know if it were not for the daily interactions we experience. 

We would CERTAINLY not feel the same feelings without the joys of others in our lives. 

We are BLESSED people, to live in a world where we have SO much. Yet, when I think about it, we are also probably really poor in spirit because of all the UNNECESSARY stuff around us that prevent relationships from blossoming, strengthening, and growing, due to the distractions we face. 

I have come to enjoy something so much that it is hard to keep it in: 

I love my CoDA and Al-Anon family. 

The reading material is informative and makes you think inwardly about what it is that we, as recovering people, need to do to help US. 

The interactions, though, are a whole different story. The strength I get from the people in my groups is something that I have never experienced before. Not with family, not with friends, not with class mates or teachers.... 

THIS IS NEW, and THIS IS AMAZING. 

These people are all here for the same thing. They are here to recover and to prevent their future from recapitulating their past. They are here for happiness.

I was listening to the radio on my way home and the song Wonderwall, by Oasis came on. 

"I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all, you're my wonderwall."

It is  weird, but each of those people around those tables have truly been my wonderwall. You may never know where KNOWLEDGE will come find you, but when it does, you will probably not expect it from that particular person. Words flowing out of another's mouth, smacking you in the face. It really just depends on where each of us are at in our lives, but no matter what, there is something special going on, and I am benefiting from it!

The main thing is that we have to be open to hear  what others are saying, and once we are able to receive love, we can be love. 

Strength in numbers. This is not just a group, it's a family.  <3

Do any of you go to CoDA or Al-Anon?? If so, how do you feel about the group? Do you feel close? Do you get love out of it? Do you have questions about what Al-Anon or CoDA is?? I want to hear YOU....Leave a comment!!

   

 

True Perfection Seems Imperfect.

I have recently come to a realization about myself: I am a perfectionist.

I hold myself to UNrealistically high standards, and when those standards are not met, I beat myself up, blame others, and become overwhelmed with inadequate feelings.

This is true for all things in my life, and i am JUST realizing it.

My body.

My thought pattern.

My parenting style.

My family.

My school work.

My job.

My relationships with others.

My PAST.

ALl of those things, to be kept "perfect" would be exhausting.

I once heard at an Al-Anon meeting, "WOW, it must be EXHAUSTING to be you--always trying to control everything and make everything PERFECT." The statement wasn't directed at me, but I took that to heart.

My life had become exhausting.

To constantly brood over how I could've done something better in my past, or how to make any of those things I mentioned above perfect in the future was absolutely insane.

I felt OUT of control trying to KEEP things IN control.

 Ironic, eh??

Well, someone pointed out to me that....

" Such perfectionism perpetuates dissatisfaction and low self-esteem."

And that, Ladies and Gents, hit the nail on the head.

I was ( am--I haven't overcome this phenomena yet. ) constantly feeling dissatisfied with the work that I did do, and my self-esteem generally runs a little low.

And, why?? I do not know. Well, actually, I do know. It's because I expect perfection.

Today, after a wonderful 1 year anniversary meeting of our lovely little Al-Anon group, I took my sleeping angel to the beach. He dreamt while I watched the shoreline come back and forth, in all of its glory. perfectly rocking the sand in and out of the little grooves, pushing over rocks and shells, unending. The water and sky were combined, as one, by the fog that mysteriously lingered, hiding the rays of sunlight from shining through. Though not a "picture perfect" sight, it was perfect for me. It was what I needed to see. I felt comforted, oddly, by the unknown behind that fog. Comforted by it's perfection.

I feel comforted, because I now understand that NOTHING is perfect. Who gets to determine perfect anyways? Not you, nor I. Our creator loves us for us, and that comes with all of our imperfections.

It reminds me of a line from a poem in the book, tao te ching, by Stephen Mitchel:

True perfection seems imperfect,

yet it is perfectly itself.

 

I commit myself today to consciously focus on times when I feel my need for perfection poking through. I commit to accomplishing more, and loving the result, though it may be "imperfect".

I want to be more love, loving,and loved. I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF!!! 

How are you loving yourself today?? Let me know by leaving a comment :)

<3 Amelia

A hurt ego, but a wise heart.

So, I am sitting here at work, after just finding out that I did not get the promotion/raise for the job I just got, and I am TRYING not to let it get to me. I needed to tell someone because not only is my ego bruised, (why didn't the doctors like ME???), but, I am also trying not to worry about what these doctors I am working with today are thinking of me.

Last night, I knew I would be finding out about this soon, so I made myself write down that I would be understanding, and that whatever decision that was made would be right for ME. Well, I know that it is. God allowed it to happen.

Now, thankfully, I can see things as they are and realize that the things that have been happening lately (like seeing the TA for the organic chemistry course that I met in line to vote again at the gas station) as an omen about NEEDING to continue with these classes so that I can go to medical school.

Maybe the promotion, with it's extra duties and extra hours, would have been more of a burden than a blessing. Maybe I would've hated it. Maybe I would've not continued with the two other classes having found out that I got this job, and then I would've prolonged my MCAT exam, and consequently my application to medical school...I am saying "maybe" because ALL OF THESE THINGS WERE THOUGHTS AND IDEAS THAT WERE GOING THROUGH MY HEAD!!! WOW!!!

In the book, The Alchemist,  by Paul Choelo, it talks about letting NOTHING get in the way of your dreams. It talks about keeping your heart and mind and soul open to the language of the world, and seeing things for what they are-- the language of the world--with all of it's messages, omens, and signs. It tells you what is happening, how it should be happening, and that whatever is happening is MEANT to happen. Holy Hott Stuff, I'm on to something!!!!

In the book, the boy is on his journey of his own personal legend. The boy meets a king, who first appears to him in a busy market place, but then he continues to appear to him, again and again, throughout the novel in different forms: a good idea, a kind merchant, a theif (weird, I know), and so many othe ways. He guides him, but he often tests him as well. He wants the boy to continue to fulfill his personal legend. The boy, just as he is very near to his personal legend, meets a girl and falls madly in love with her. He wants to abandon his dream, and stay with her. But, she tells him no. She says, you will never be happy if you don't do what your HEART is telling you to do.

So, just like the boy, I feel like my higher power is making me aware that this job, the promotion that I longed for, will not fulfill my heart, not my personal legend. It is not what I am destined to do. It is not the end of the road for me.

And thank GOD, because I really don't LOVE working 12 hour shifts in the ER 4 days a week!!!!

Okay, well now that I have written this blog post, I can clearly, happily, and wholeheartedly say that I am not distraught over the news. I know that there is something MORE I have to be doing, and even though it was something that I wanted to happen, it is not something that was supposed to happen for me.

Just like I have already learned, when I pray for something, I ALWAYS GET THE ANSWER I NEED, not necessarily what I think I need, or what I think I want. 

Positivity, Patience, and Persistence. 

Today, I have a program. I will not show that I am hurt, even though I may be. Without the Al-Anon and CoDA programs, I do not know where I would be. Without the people and literature and the meetings, I do not know if I would've handled it as well.

 Oh, and writing in this blog has TRULY helped.

<3 Amelia

The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly the meaning behind the happenings in my life are.

Sometimes I think, why is this happening to me?

Sometimes I question what a specific person is doing in my life.

Then I stop and realize, GOD knows the meaning, HE makes things happen, and HE puts the people in my life that need to be there.

My whole life has been filled with small, medium, and large miracles.

These miracles have come in the form of being at the right place at the right time, making the right decision, and meeting the right people.

It has all happened because that was part of the plan, yet we as humans don't realize this. We think things are coincidences. We think that fate has brought these things into our lives, when in reality, the story has already been written.

I know this for a fact, because once I gave up trying to understand things and actually LOOKED and LISTENED to the things happening around me, I was blinded by the light of truth. The information washed over my conscious (and unconscious, as many things have started revealing themselves to me in my dreams), and now, more than ever before, if I ask for an answer, I GET THE ANSWER I NEED.

Like someone said in a meeting this week, "It may not be the Santa Clause answer I am WANTING, but it is the answer that my life NEEDS."

If you pray, think or just TALK to your higher power,  he hears you. He actually hears you when you are feeling the farthest from Him. He is never TOO far away.

Today, as I was driving to my nannying job, I saw this billboard from a church. The quote for today was,

"The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind."

How insightful is that?!!?? I mean, wow. I needed that today. I needed to be reminded that, even though times are PRESENTLY more difficult to see the bigger picture right now, the times ahead will soon be clear enough. The understanding of WHY we are going through whatever we go through will soon be known. 

Give it all time. Time heals. Have patience and give your Higher Power time to allow things to develop as HE sees fit. 

And always remember...

"THY WILL, NOT MY WILL, BE DONE"

SOUL FOOD: Acceptance

I have been working very hard lately to take care of me, my soul, and I. Every day, I take the time to read literature from Al-Anon, or from CoDA. I attend both groups on a weekly basis, and through them I have learned so much.

The serenity prayer is something that I have come to use moment to moment in times of worry, discomfort, and fear.

"Dear Lord,

Please Grand Me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot CHANGE,

The COURAGE to change the things I CAN, 

and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE."

And when I am struggling with those things that I cannot change, I say more simply: 

"I can't, God can, I'll let him."

Today has been a good day, but some moments are more difficult than others. One in particular had my heart pounding, head reeling, and stomach churning, yet instead of letting those thoughts and feelings CONSUME me, I said the serenity prayer. I quickly realized, that even though the conversation on the phone that I was having wasn't sounding like something I agreed with, I have no POWER over the other person who is talking, and I cannot CHANGE them, or their thoughts. 

Because of that simple little prayer, I was able to detach from the phone call, just enough to still be able to listen, but also enough so that I didn't let my head or my heart get angry. I accepted his words, listened intently, and tried to empathize with his reasoning. 

I am scared for him, but I know that all is in divine order, and because of that divine intervention, I feel safe, and comfortable with my actions. I am happy to say that, no matter what happens, it is in God's best interest. God doesn't let things happen, without already knowing what the consequences are. 

Something I like to remember when facing a challenge: 

"If God puts you through it, God will bring you through it, you just have to have FAITH."

How do you feed your soul? Are you spiritual, or not? Do you have faith in a Higher Power, that allows you to let go of the burden of worry and fear? Let me know, I'd love to hear from you!

<3 Amelia