Today I actually cried.
Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.
I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.
An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.
Closing Time by SEMISONIC
The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity.
I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.
When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore
I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be.
With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.
In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.
"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."
