Don't let NEGATIVE thoughts steal your energy!

I took a break yesterday from blogging due to my 12 hour shift at the ER. I am happy to be back writing again!! It truly does make me think about what I am feeling in the present moment.

It just so happens, I am not feeling very good right now, which is also why I am writing: so that I may come across some relief and serenity by getting these things out.

I am a faithful member of Al-Anon, and the reason I started going was because I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. My family also has some ingrained issues with the problems of alcoholism, so it has trickled down and effected me in specific ways in which I deal with other people, so through Al-Anon, I am working on my own spiritual and emotional recovery.

I went to a meeting today, and it was SO fitting. It was on the very first step.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable."

I was so happy to hear that it would be our topic for today, because even though i will have been in this program for 6 months at the end of December, I still have intense feelings of CHAOS in my life. That my life is TOTALLY unmanageable.

I am a wreck right now, sitting here, feeling bad for myself, and for my future. Scared that I will never see the person I care so much about gain sobriety and live a healthy life. Worried that this man will forever be the user and (alcohol) abuser that he is, and that his son will never truly know who he is capable of being. ANGERED that I keep letting myself think that things are okay,  "getting better", fixed.

Well, guess what... THEY AREN'T.

I told him today that I would love him no matter what, whether we were together or not, sober or not; he is the father of my child. But, I don't have to like him. I don't like him right now.

He is lying to me, and I know it is because of his disease...BLAH BLAH BLAH...

That's all I can seem to think about. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

The only reason I know all of this is because he accidentally butt-dialed me while at the bar. Smart one, genius. At least I did not call or text him with my anger. That is why it is coming out here.

Sorry for the long rant, but I am NOT going to let his NEGATIVE habits make MY life negative, too. I am writing to get this out. I am turning off my phone.

I am a wonderful person, I have friends, and people like me, DAMMIT!!!

OOOOMMMMMMMM. OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM. OOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM.

How do you deal with the loved ones in your life who have addictions? I'd love to hear about your succeses and struggles, your pains and sorrows, your happy moments and bad ones. I'm here to listen.

Face reality. Face your fear.

Okay, it's obvious what I am feeling. I am sad. I am lonely. I am unhappy.

Making hard decisions, like what to spend your time on, truly are some of the most frustrating things that can ever be done.

Today I read a blog post about wasting your time on mindless things and one of those things was   toxic relationships. 

A toxic relationship doesn't have to mean the worst possible thing ever...it could be simply that you are spending too much time on the other person, and your own life is suffering, which is exactly what mine was about. 

Even though I have been working on fixing things, I think at this point, it is going to take time. A lot of time.

No words can change the situation, no immediate actions can rework the present, and certainly nothing in the world can magically make everything better.

It brings reality to my world. To let go and give time to the situation also means to get a grip on what my PRESENT reality is. I have been holding onto this picture of perfection in my mind for so long, and it hasn't happened yet, and I don't know when it will, so I must let go of that and face the truth, however ugly it may be.

It is so sad to say this, but I really didn't want to admit that I was a single mother. I always thought that because we were trying to work things out, and because we were still talking, that I wasn't doing this alone, but in reality, I have been for the past eight months. EIGHT MONTHS. It has taken me eight months to come to this  reality.

I am a single mom.

I am a good mom.

No matter what, whether I am single or with his father, I will be there for him and give him what he needs.

I am really sad about this. I wanted a perfect little family life. I wanted a father around for my boy. I wanted so much more than this: sitting in my room, crying, writing a stupid blog about this.

But, before I never had time to blog. I never had time to read, or bake, or cook, or be happy, or to take care of myself. I was so ill-consumed with taking care of him that I gave myself no time at all.

Now I am taking care of myself. I am making the hard choices, but these hard choices are making me a stronger, more evolved person.

I just wish it wasn't so lonely. And sad. And hard.

<3 Amelia