I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums.

My delicious heart shaped frosted sugar cookies.

When I was in the midst of heartache and turmoil, back when my relationship of several years was falling apart, my mom always used to say, "You can't help who you are going to fall in love with."

It would always made me feel comforted, because it is totally, utterly true. Love. Just. Happens.

All I know of LOVE is LOVE is all there is.

 I am in more of an acceptance impression of the first three important aspects of life:  

   I can't, GOD can, I will let him. I am truly more accepting of the way things turn out in life, including everything from the weather, people, "coincidences", places, things...etc. Why? Because of that phrase above.... It's a necessity in my life. The people I have/had the privilege of talking to remind me of that.

In this amazing book called the Alchemist, which I have talked about a time or two, there is a word that stands out in my mind. Maktub. This word, in Sanskrit, means, "It has been written," or something to the effect of that. It was brought up in this book when the boy, who is on his personal legend, is trying to figure out how and why the things that are happening actually do happen on a scary trip through the war rampant dessert. Well, the Camel driver told him, "Maktub."

It comes to me time to time. It is a better word that "coincidence". It is better than "miracle". It is perfect, because it is exactly something that I can focus on to ground me. To bring me back to center. To remind me that, no, I am not some super awesome being that the world revolves around, but because I believe in a power greater than myself, I know and have come to have faith in what has been written for me. There is not controlling this life.

Things in life will happen NO MATTER WHAT. It is how you REACT and RESPOND to those things which define you. 

It's a sad day when you have to face your best friend, named denial, and tell them it's "not working out anymore." Haha, yeah, right, what are you talking about..? But when you come to terms with something that is hard to let go of, it's easier to admit it than to keep on believing it, even though it may be hard. Really fucking hard. The admitting part. Ouch. </3

A line from a movie keeps hitting me: "How could I have loved something that I never had?"

Well, the only way I can answer that is because in my heart, I did have it. I still do have it. It's not going anywhere, but the boundary I give to it can be moved back, until it is out of harms way. 

It is better to have loved, than to never have loved at all.

<3 Amelia

Closing time.

My emotions seem to be getting the best of me, lately.

Today I actually cried.

Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.

I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.

An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.

 Closing Time by SEMISONIC

The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity. 

I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.

When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore

I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be. 


With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.

In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."

We get by, with a little help from our friends.

Today was an absolutely, positively, magnificently, glorious day.  :)

Great yoga, empowering shift in the ER, beautiful sunset on the way home, and an AWESOME CoDA meeting tonight. 

 

I have learned that many things are not just what they seem, but they are rather a huge manifestation of many characteristics, ranging from people, places, to things. 

We would not be who we are if we did not have the environment around us. 

We would not know what we know if it were not for the daily interactions we experience. 

We would CERTAINLY not feel the same feelings without the joys of others in our lives. 

We are BLESSED people, to live in a world where we have SO much. Yet, when I think about it, we are also probably really poor in spirit because of all the UNNECESSARY stuff around us that prevent relationships from blossoming, strengthening, and growing, due to the distractions we face. 

I have come to enjoy something so much that it is hard to keep it in: 

I love my CoDA and Al-Anon family. 

The reading material is informative and makes you think inwardly about what it is that we, as recovering people, need to do to help US. 

The interactions, though, are a whole different story. The strength I get from the people in my groups is something that I have never experienced before. Not with family, not with friends, not with class mates or teachers.... 

THIS IS NEW, and THIS IS AMAZING. 

These people are all here for the same thing. They are here to recover and to prevent their future from recapitulating their past. They are here for happiness.

I was listening to the radio on my way home and the song Wonderwall, by Oasis came on. 

"I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all, you're my wonderwall."

It is  weird, but each of those people around those tables have truly been my wonderwall. You may never know where KNOWLEDGE will come find you, but when it does, you will probably not expect it from that particular person. Words flowing out of another's mouth, smacking you in the face. It really just depends on where each of us are at in our lives, but no matter what, there is something special going on, and I am benefiting from it!

The main thing is that we have to be open to hear  what others are saying, and once we are able to receive love, we can be love. 

Strength in numbers. This is not just a group, it's a family.  <3

Do any of you go to CoDA or Al-Anon?? If so, how do you feel about the group? Do you feel close? Do you get love out of it? Do you have questions about what Al-Anon or CoDA is?? I want to hear YOU....Leave a comment!!