Closing time.

My emotions seem to be getting the best of me, lately.

Today I actually cried.

Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.

I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.

An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.

 Closing Time by SEMISONIC

The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity. 

I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.

When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore

I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be. 


With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.

In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."

The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly the meaning behind the happenings in my life are.

Sometimes I think, why is this happening to me?

Sometimes I question what a specific person is doing in my life.

Then I stop and realize, GOD knows the meaning, HE makes things happen, and HE puts the people in my life that need to be there.

My whole life has been filled with small, medium, and large miracles.

These miracles have come in the form of being at the right place at the right time, making the right decision, and meeting the right people.

It has all happened because that was part of the plan, yet we as humans don't realize this. We think things are coincidences. We think that fate has brought these things into our lives, when in reality, the story has already been written.

I know this for a fact, because once I gave up trying to understand things and actually LOOKED and LISTENED to the things happening around me, I was blinded by the light of truth. The information washed over my conscious (and unconscious, as many things have started revealing themselves to me in my dreams), and now, more than ever before, if I ask for an answer, I GET THE ANSWER I NEED.

Like someone said in a meeting this week, "It may not be the Santa Clause answer I am WANTING, but it is the answer that my life NEEDS."

If you pray, think or just TALK to your higher power,  he hears you. He actually hears you when you are feeling the farthest from Him. He is never TOO far away.

Today, as I was driving to my nannying job, I saw this billboard from a church. The quote for today was,

"The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind."

How insightful is that?!!?? I mean, wow. I needed that today. I needed to be reminded that, even though times are PRESENTLY more difficult to see the bigger picture right now, the times ahead will soon be clear enough. The understanding of WHY we are going through whatever we go through will soon be known. 

Give it all time. Time heals. Have patience and give your Higher Power time to allow things to develop as HE sees fit. 

And always remember...

"THY WILL, NOT MY WILL, BE DONE"