LGLG

There's always something I can do, and that something is pray. 

<3 Amelia

Moving Water by Rumi

I have been feeling disconnected from my spirit lately. I don't want to be lying to myself, hoping for the impossible. I also don't want to be unable to move forward because of the past. Most importantly, I want to be healthy, make healthy choices, and live a healthy life. Sometimes, I can easily lose track.

Some one told me about a poem by Rumi the other day. It brought up my love affair with him that started back in high school. This is one of my favorite poems by the famous poet, and I think that you can easily see why, once you read it. It's soul cleansing.

Moving Water

When  you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

  When actions come from another section, the feeling disappears.  

 Don't let others lead you.  They may be blind or, worse, vultures.

 Reach for the rope of God.  

 And what is that?  Putting aside self-will.

 Because of willfulness people sit in jail, the trapped bird's wings are tied, fish sizzle in the skillet.

 The anger of police is willfulness.  You've seen a magistrate inflict visible punishment.  

 Now see the invisible. 

 If you could leave your selfishness, you would see how you've been torturing your soul.  

 We are born and live inside black water in a well.

 How could we know what an open field of sunlight is? 

Don't insist on going where you think you want to go.  

Ask the way to the spring. 

 Your living pieces will form a harmony. 

 There is a moving palace that floats in the air 

with balconies and clear water flowing through, 

infinity everywhere, yet contained under a single tent.

This is just another reminder that I cannot do this-- living this life-- alone. I cannot use my self-will and think that life will go smoothly. I have to let it go,and give it to God. 

Hope all of you are one with your soul, fitting together with the language of the world. I always have to remember: Maktub....It is written. 

 <3 Amelia

A little bit about Rumi:
"Jelaluddin Rumi, the 13th century mystic poet, was truly one of the most passionate and profound poets in history.  Now, today his presence still remains strong, due in part to how his words seem to drip of the divine, and startle a profound rememberance that links all back to the Soul-Essence.  Born in what is present day Afghanistan in 1207, he produced his master work the Masnawi which consists of over 60,000 poems before he died in 1273.  The best way to fully say in words his impact, is that he has the ability to describe the Indescribable, Ineffable-- God"

Jingle Bell Bracelet

I have been struggling with "doing the next right thing" lately. The past few days, with their problems and difficulties, have pushed my buttons--and I haven't been able to bounce back, calm and collected. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm tired. Probably both, but it really doesn't give me the room to act in the same way as I used to.

Today I read something, "If it happens once, it's a fluke. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a habit."

When I don't practice the slogans, prayers, and principles of the twelve step programs, my behavior slips back into those awful habits I learned when growing up. 

Another something that helped me today was hearing this,
"Sometimes the most courage we can have is the courage to keep our mouths shut."

 I took the high road today. Instead of lashing back when a person was verbally attacking me today, I said nothing that I regret, and instead I am praying for that person so that God may bless them.

So now, about this jingle bell bracelet. It's made from shells, heart rocks and croinoids from Lake Michigan, all braided on some hemp. There is one jingle bell, hidden behind a bigger shell. There are also beads on it that say "pray" and "LGLG". LGLG is short for Let Go and Let God.

 Have you ever watched the Christmas movie It's a Wonderful life? It's my mom's favorite holiday movie, and over the years, I have come to cherish it, as well. I love when the little ZuZu says, "Every time a bell rings, an angel get's it's wings."  I immediately thought of that today when I came across a jingle bell on a string that I made for my son back in December. It's a blessing to be able to take a simple phrase and turn it into something that you can put to work in your life.

 I needed a reminder of something bigger and better than me. I needed a reminder of my higher power, so that when I was struggling to recall the prayers and slogans, I would be able to recount that my higher power is ALWAYS  on my side. He is always there to help me, and whatever I am going through, I can give it up to him. As with step three, "we made a decision to give our lives and our will over to our higher power..." I am still working on it, even though I have been working on it for a while!!!!

Tonight ended very well. I got to work out with a trainer at the YMCA, went for a walk in Long Beach, gazed at the beautiful starts in the clear night sky, and went to a great Al-Anon meeting. It was Alex's first one, and I hope that he remembers it, because I know I sure will.

It truly is possible to turn things around, so never give up, even if you think that things couldn't get any worse. In many ways, we are SO blessed for what we have, and even though our situations can really feel awful--we ARE blessed. Blessed with life, a higher power that loves us unconditionally, and the ability to
 always start again. 

Never give up, and never surrender. 

<3 Amelia

Let it begin with me.

Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me. Amen.

Every time I try and write something, I can feel an underlying tone of hostility and anger. Hence the little prayer above. I want to make this afternoon joyous, exciting, and fun. I do not want to carry this emotional hangover that I have put myself through to thrive any longer, so I think I am going to write a little bit about what I am thankful for today. A grattitude list, if you will.

Overall, I am thankful for a higher power that I can turn to in times of good and bad.
1. My physical, mental, and emotional health.
2. My family: My mother for helping me, no matter what. My son for always putting a smile on my face and love in my heart.
3. My knowledge, both of things good and bad, and the power I have with knowing. I am truly blessed to be a lover of learning.
4. My job(s). Today, I am a mother and a nanny. I choose to be happy and fun, because these children depend on me.
5. My car. It has been reliable and trustworthy. The heat is nice and toasty!!
6. My program. My higher power, my groups, my literature, my friends. It has truly allowed me to turn my entire health around.
7. The little income that I do make. This is where I would like to say something that is bothering me. With the exception of maybe 10-15 college mates, I don't really know anyone else who is a single mom, working full time or not, who is not on some form of governmental aid, be it medicaid, food stamps, TANF, or  housing/ childcare vouchers. When I get onto a social media network and my news feed has been blown up about "unnecessary taxes" or "bullshit laws taking out my money" it makes me livid. The government is doing it's job, and instead of BITCHING about what you are NOT getting, why cant you be GRATEFUL for what you DO have. I have given this misery i am feeling over to my higher power, and there is really nothing more I can say on this subject other than this: For the most part, those of us who are on any kind of governmental help DO NOT WANT IT. Rather, if we didn't have it, our CHILDREN would suffer. Look at the bigger picture, folks. IT'S ABOUT THE HELPLESS CHILDREN. So, if I happen to offend you, it's not because I don't care about your opinion. It's because I care MORE about making sure MY CHILD is taken care of, even if I do get glares, nasty remarks, or sub-par treatment. I will take what I can get and I will be GRATEFUL.

It's easy as 1, 2, 3

In Al-Anon, I have been working the first two steps, and today I finally tackled the third. I feel so accomplished. I feel so eager. I feel relieved!!

I've said it before, but like Dori in Finding Nemo--I'll say it again (P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.): the first three steps of Al-Anon or any other 12 step program can be summed up in three simple phrases. 

I can't. God can. I will let him.

When I first heard this from a friend, I was really amazed. Then I forgot the slogan and didn't think about it much more. I heard it again, and I decided to write it down. It wasn't until the third time I heard it--in an email-- that I finally wrote it on a notecard that I keep on my mirror so that I can see it every day. It is a powerful statement; one that no other can really replace.

So, for my work on the third step, I really made myself happy, and I realized that even without fully reading all of my reading material over it, I still understood it pretty well, and that I was living the third step in most of my daily living. When I say most, it's probably the 65% of the time, usually when I am feeling energized, positive, and focused. That other 35% of the time is something that I am working on abolishing minimizing, but I know it will take time.I am willing, and I am able. Most of all, I believe in myself. 

Okay, so now I am going to go further into my research on step three. Continue reading, by all means, but I certainly don't want to bore...I really just want to have this written some place I know I can retrieve it later on. Please leave comments or questions if you feel inclined. 

Step 3

I think that the third step is the phrase, "Let go and let God" in a nutshell. We are giving our will and our lives over and putting it in the hands of God. This slogan is something that I have always heard, ever since I was a child, and now that I am in program, it really is easier to practice because the higher power is so much closer to me. I have always believed, and I have always prayed, but sometimes, I would forget and now I can't forget.

One of the things I did to help me give everything over to God was make a God Box. It is an old baby wipe container, the kind with the pop top. I labeled it and everything. Now every morning, I get up and write something I am thankful for, and throughout the day I usually end up writing something to give to God. It has helped me so much, and I have only been using it for three days.

 *LET GO and LET GOD*

I finally read up on step three in "How Al-Anon Works" and it has opened my eyes on a few matters.

1.) How I define my higher power.

I think of my higher power as the collective soul of the universe, conspiring together to make all things one. Like the entire world is beating with one heart, playing in one story, written by the ultimate hand of God. My higher power, God, is who I pray to for relief from worry, fear, and anxiety. He calms me, reminding me that I am safe in his arms, no matter what situations may arise. I think that my arrival into this specific al-anon group, and all of the people that I have met along the way were things that were meant to be, just like I was meant to meet Alex and have a beautiful baby. The higher power I pray to doesn't need formalities, rather just an open heart, willing to be loved.

2.) I am powerless, still!

I know that I am not powerful enough to rule my life, let alone anyone else. I know that my old ways were molded to deal with those around me. To survive situations. To control my feelings and actions, and those of the others in my life, as well. My old ways have also led me here to Al-anon. Finally, I am learning to change them and to become one with serenity. "Our old self reliance and self determination have let us down again and again." This phrase struck me. It is so true. It is too hard to rely on ourselves, just as the big book of AA says that will power can only last so long, and then the first drink can sneak up on you from no where. That is the same with this program. Unless I practice the steps, slogans and the prayers daily, I am unable to live in a serene way. I am unable to live lovingly in the hands of my God. It only makes sense to keep doing it this way, rather than any other way. 

3.) All I have to do is make the decision.

I love this part of step 3. All I have to do is make the decision to give my will and life over to the care of my higher power, and the rest is done. Faith is a must, and the decision is necessary, but after that, the worry and fear seem to subside, little by little, day by day, more and more .I am so thankful that I have had the awakening, and the knowledge, guidance and support to make this decision. Seeing those two new people there last night really reminded me of how easy it is to come, and then also, not to continue to go. I sometimes feel like I would be better off staying home, in my pj’s than coming into a meeting, but I am always wrong. I need every one of those hour long moments of serenity, even if I am reeling over a particular issue. That is the decision. It’s a decision I am happy that I make every day.

No matter what happens in my life, I know that I will be safe in God’s arms, loved and cared for. I just have to make that decision to let Him have it. I am putting it in more capable hands, anyways ;)

<3 Amelia

The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly the meaning behind the happenings in my life are.

Sometimes I think, why is this happening to me?

Sometimes I question what a specific person is doing in my life.

Then I stop and realize, GOD knows the meaning, HE makes things happen, and HE puts the people in my life that need to be there.

My whole life has been filled with small, medium, and large miracles.

These miracles have come in the form of being at the right place at the right time, making the right decision, and meeting the right people.

It has all happened because that was part of the plan, yet we as humans don't realize this. We think things are coincidences. We think that fate has brought these things into our lives, when in reality, the story has already been written.

I know this for a fact, because once I gave up trying to understand things and actually LOOKED and LISTENED to the things happening around me, I was blinded by the light of truth. The information washed over my conscious (and unconscious, as many things have started revealing themselves to me in my dreams), and now, more than ever before, if I ask for an answer, I GET THE ANSWER I NEED.

Like someone said in a meeting this week, "It may not be the Santa Clause answer I am WANTING, but it is the answer that my life NEEDS."

If you pray, think or just TALK to your higher power,  he hears you. He actually hears you when you are feeling the farthest from Him. He is never TOO far away.

Today, as I was driving to my nannying job, I saw this billboard from a church. The quote for today was,

"The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind."

How insightful is that?!!?? I mean, wow. I needed that today. I needed to be reminded that, even though times are PRESENTLY more difficult to see the bigger picture right now, the times ahead will soon be clear enough. The understanding of WHY we are going through whatever we go through will soon be known. 

Give it all time. Time heals. Have patience and give your Higher Power time to allow things to develop as HE sees fit. 

And always remember...

"THY WILL, NOT MY WILL, BE DONE"

SOULFOOD: my belief in a higher power and my recovery through Al-anon.

I am a true and grateful member of Al-Anon. It's been 5 months since I first sat down around a table full of members and spilled my guts about my personal hell in dealing with others. Today, I have a new found respect for those of us that find this group, and I have complete and utter grattitude for those who helped me begin this spiritual journey.

Al-Anon isn't just about friends and family members of alcoholics, but rather it is about dealing with anyone, anywhere, anytime. It's a ground work in how to be a good person! It's about taking care of yourself. It is a selfish program that makes you look inwardly on your thoughts, words, and deeds, and it helps you to recognize why things in your life may not be fairy tale perfect.

All of us are different, but many share the same stories and experiences. We learn from eachother. We grow from unity within.

Like other 12 step programs (i.e. AA), there is a process and a progressive pattern for beginning a journey of recovery, but ultimately, the first little baby step is deciding to go. Then you begin to work the steps and that's when the magic happens.

The first three steps, which are normally the hardest to accept, can be summarized as such:

1.I CAN'T
2. GOD CAN
3.I WILL LET HIM

I have accepted step 1 and 2, and today I am embarking on step 3. 

The belief in a higher power has allowed me to have confidence in the fact that everything will turn out, just as it should. Fear and anxiety have subsided.

(Those numbered steps above are paraphrased and simplified, to make it easier to understand. Please google al-anon 12 steps for full step terminology.)

I had been told for years that I needed Al-Anon family group, but I was "fine" and was so controlling, that I never gave it a chance. One of the readings today actually said, "Sometimes, people don't know how badly they need a new way of life until disaster overtakes them." And, wow, that is so very true.

My disaster was losing my "family". Moving out of a broken relationship that had been shattered by the disease of alcoholism. After moving on, and being torn up over it, it STILL took me three months to succumb and ask for help.

Well, like I said, that was five months ago, and I am so thankful that I have found Al-Anon, for my life is truly changed for the better.

If there is any doubt in your mind about attending this group, drop it, and GO! It may take a few meetings to click and feel "right", but it's usually right where you need to be.

I have just bought my 3rd book on the subject, and when I started reading it, I was prompted to write about it. I hope this post was insightful and helpful.

Have any of you been to a 12 step meeting? If so, how has it changed your life?

<3 Amelia.