Be you: Precious and Free.

"Take me as I am. Who I am meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me."

A song from the musical Rent, movie/musical/broadway; It's a song about a lover trying to ask for acceptance, but not giving a fuck if she doesn't get it. Hard core, right? She seems strong.

Wow, wouldn't it be great to not give a fuck?

Yes, it would. But, as humans, we have this underlying need to be loved and accepted. Many people digress over life, and their underlying statement is: "I just want to be loved."

Again, being humans, we have found ways to manipulate, control, and change ourselves; to morph into something we aren't. (I can't even say, "someone" because it really isn't anyone. It's the dis-ease in us.)To try and MAKE another person love us, stay with us, do things we want them to do, etc. Those habits make it harder for the one loving, because the person/being/soul they found love in, is no longer there.

"To be as God intended, PRECIOUS and FREE." Precious and free from what? The bondage of our minds. Our minds clogged with fear. The root of all evil is fear. Fear of losing what you have, or not getting what you want.

These changed behaviors/shortcomings/character defects all wreak havoc on our lives, and if we don't ask our creator to help us remove them, we will be something we aren't. We can't let ourselves go walking around in our own brain alone. It isn't safe. It's actually really fucking scary. But, you know, it's not like we have to. We have help. It's there. In the wind, the sun, the water; it's in the words of a book, or from a friend. It's a power greater than ourselves that we must "buy" into. I don't understand it, sometimes, but I know it's real.

You just have to have faith.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them. Scampering to the water, eager for the cool nourishment. Ready to play. Each lapse of the wave, the babies went closer, unafraid, into the shallow end of something new. Little and light, racing back as the water chased them to safety. The mother, standing strong, watching--knowing they are safe. Letting them go chase their dreams, not fearing. Close enough, she knows.

See, animals are instinctual. They don't think about what others think. They live based on their needs. Deer flock to love, accept the love, give the love, and leave the love. As it should be. Precious and Free.

Jingle Bell Bracelet

I have been struggling with "doing the next right thing" lately. The past few days, with their problems and difficulties, have pushed my buttons--and I haven't been able to bounce back, calm and collected. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm tired. Probably both, but it really doesn't give me the room to act in the same way as I used to.

Today I read something, "If it happens once, it's a fluke. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a habit."

When I don't practice the slogans, prayers, and principles of the twelve step programs, my behavior slips back into those awful habits I learned when growing up. 

Another something that helped me today was hearing this,
"Sometimes the most courage we can have is the courage to keep our mouths shut."

 I took the high road today. Instead of lashing back when a person was verbally attacking me today, I said nothing that I regret, and instead I am praying for that person so that God may bless them.

So now, about this jingle bell bracelet. It's made from shells, heart rocks and croinoids from Lake Michigan, all braided on some hemp. There is one jingle bell, hidden behind a bigger shell. There are also beads on it that say "pray" and "LGLG". LGLG is short for Let Go and Let God.

 Have you ever watched the Christmas movie It's a Wonderful life? It's my mom's favorite holiday movie, and over the years, I have come to cherish it, as well. I love when the little ZuZu says, "Every time a bell rings, an angel get's it's wings."  I immediately thought of that today when I came across a jingle bell on a string that I made for my son back in December. It's a blessing to be able to take a simple phrase and turn it into something that you can put to work in your life.

 I needed a reminder of something bigger and better than me. I needed a reminder of my higher power, so that when I was struggling to recall the prayers and slogans, I would be able to recount that my higher power is ALWAYS  on my side. He is always there to help me, and whatever I am going through, I can give it up to him. As with step three, "we made a decision to give our lives and our will over to our higher power..." I am still working on it, even though I have been working on it for a while!!!!

Tonight ended very well. I got to work out with a trainer at the YMCA, went for a walk in Long Beach, gazed at the beautiful starts in the clear night sky, and went to a great Al-Anon meeting. It was Alex's first one, and I hope that he remembers it, because I know I sure will.

It truly is possible to turn things around, so never give up, even if you think that things couldn't get any worse. In many ways, we are SO blessed for what we have, and even though our situations can really feel awful--we ARE blessed. Blessed with life, a higher power that loves us unconditionally, and the ability to
 always start again. 

Never give up, and never surrender. 

<3 Amelia

I am happy that you are happy.

This phrase is one that I use often and now, I hear it often, too. It's so simple, yet it says so much. It's showing boundaries, respect, and compassion. It's allowing the other person to feel what they feel, and be okay with it. It's perfect. It's not a question why, an explanation, or a reason. It's a simple way to be grateful, empathetic, and passionate. It's love.

Today, I went for a walk on the beach in Washington Park while on a study break, and this is what I saw.



I immediately was grateful for all that I have. The sky was a rainbow for me to enjoy.

Tonight, though was a different story. Between hearing about the mass shooting in Connecticut, and then my son falling in the tub and chipping his two front teeth, I've been a wreck. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I have a physics final tomorrow. But, I know that God will not put me through anything that I cannot handle.

With that, I pass.

<3 Amelia

True Perfection Seems Imperfect.

I have recently come to a realization about myself: I am a perfectionist.

I hold myself to UNrealistically high standards, and when those standards are not met, I beat myself up, blame others, and become overwhelmed with inadequate feelings.

This is true for all things in my life, and i am JUST realizing it.

My body.

My thought pattern.

My parenting style.

My family.

My school work.

My job.

My relationships with others.

My PAST.

ALl of those things, to be kept "perfect" would be exhausting.

I once heard at an Al-Anon meeting, "WOW, it must be EXHAUSTING to be you--always trying to control everything and make everything PERFECT." The statement wasn't directed at me, but I took that to heart.

My life had become exhausting.

To constantly brood over how I could've done something better in my past, or how to make any of those things I mentioned above perfect in the future was absolutely insane.

I felt OUT of control trying to KEEP things IN control.

 Ironic, eh??

Well, someone pointed out to me that....

" Such perfectionism perpetuates dissatisfaction and low self-esteem."

And that, Ladies and Gents, hit the nail on the head.

I was ( am--I haven't overcome this phenomena yet. ) constantly feeling dissatisfied with the work that I did do, and my self-esteem generally runs a little low.

And, why?? I do not know. Well, actually, I do know. It's because I expect perfection.

Today, after a wonderful 1 year anniversary meeting of our lovely little Al-Anon group, I took my sleeping angel to the beach. He dreamt while I watched the shoreline come back and forth, in all of its glory. perfectly rocking the sand in and out of the little grooves, pushing over rocks and shells, unending. The water and sky were combined, as one, by the fog that mysteriously lingered, hiding the rays of sunlight from shining through. Though not a "picture perfect" sight, it was perfect for me. It was what I needed to see. I felt comforted, oddly, by the unknown behind that fog. Comforted by it's perfection.

I feel comforted, because I now understand that NOTHING is perfect. Who gets to determine perfect anyways? Not you, nor I. Our creator loves us for us, and that comes with all of our imperfections.

It reminds me of a line from a poem in the book, tao te ching, by Stephen Mitchel:

True perfection seems imperfect,

yet it is perfectly itself.

 

I commit myself today to consciously focus on times when I feel my need for perfection poking through. I commit to accomplishing more, and loving the result, though it may be "imperfect".

I want to be more love, loving,and loved. I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF!!! 

How are you loving yourself today?? Let me know by leaving a comment :)

<3 Amelia

Yesterday's triumph and today's .... tragedy.

Well, I can say that I cannot make cookies on an empty stomach. They are much too appealing, and one doesn't do the trick. Especially this new recipe that I just made. I think I had like 5. YIKES.

What's worse is I didn't even get a run, jog, walk or body weight activity in today because I was cooped up stidying all day. (Terrible excuse that I will no longer use in the future.)

My mom did treat me to a wondeful haircut, tho, and it truly made my day. Plus, she liked hers as well, which is rare....she's phobic about her hair.

I did manage to do a great circut workout by the dunes yesterday, and I took a walk up and down Franklin St. and central ave to central beach. The air by lake michigan is so fresh and inviting. It's almost a sin not to take advantage of it.
This is what I did for resistance and strength building:

25 jumping jacks
10 burpees
10 squats (butt to the ground, weight on your heels!!)
10 side squats
50 situps, at intervals of 5, holding every 5th one for a long 6 second exhale)

Repeat 4 times.

I did my recovery magic drink ( 1 heaping teaspoon of L-glutamine and 4 oz of water, followed by vitamin c).

I also chugged 32 oz of water and then ate a great litttle tomatoe, mushroom and leek sautee. It was very good and even the baby chowed down.

So, my goal for tomorrow: run! It's been two days, and I think I'm ready for another shot. I have two chapters to read and take notes on, so a nice run in between will keep my head in the game.

Good night, yous!

...Amelia...