Be you: Precious and Free.

"Take me as I am. Who I am meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me."

A song from the musical Rent, movie/musical/broadway; It's a song about a lover trying to ask for acceptance, but not giving a fuck if she doesn't get it. Hard core, right? She seems strong.

Wow, wouldn't it be great to not give a fuck?

Yes, it would. But, as humans, we have this underlying need to be loved and accepted. Many people digress over life, and their underlying statement is: "I just want to be loved."

Again, being humans, we have found ways to manipulate, control, and change ourselves; to morph into something we aren't. (I can't even say, "someone" because it really isn't anyone. It's the dis-ease in us.)To try and MAKE another person love us, stay with us, do things we want them to do, etc. Those habits make it harder for the one loving, because the person/being/soul they found love in, is no longer there.

"To be as God intended, PRECIOUS and FREE." Precious and free from what? The bondage of our minds. Our minds clogged with fear. The root of all evil is fear. Fear of losing what you have, or not getting what you want.

These changed behaviors/shortcomings/character defects all wreak havoc on our lives, and if we don't ask our creator to help us remove them, we will be something we aren't. We can't let ourselves go walking around in our own brain alone. It isn't safe. It's actually really fucking scary. But, you know, it's not like we have to. We have help. It's there. In the wind, the sun, the water; it's in the words of a book, or from a friend. It's a power greater than ourselves that we must "buy" into. I don't understand it, sometimes, but I know it's real.

You just have to have faith.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them. Scampering to the water, eager for the cool nourishment. Ready to play. Each lapse of the wave, the babies went closer, unafraid, into the shallow end of something new. Little and light, racing back as the water chased them to safety. The mother, standing strong, watching--knowing they are safe. Letting them go chase their dreams, not fearing. Close enough, she knows.

See, animals are instinctual. They don't think about what others think. They live based on their needs. Deer flock to love, accept the love, give the love, and leave the love. As it should be. Precious and Free.

Acting my way to a better life.

The past few days have brought forth challenges that my tool box of healthy coping mechanisms was not prepared to handle. I think it had to do with the huge things going on in my life, which aren't excuses, just reality.

For starters, I just started a 3rd job. The training has been comprative to my ER Scribe training. Putting in study hours at home was required, and it was difficult because I'm working the other two jobs.

I'm also preparing to move, and that takes lots of money, time, and planning.

These two things, on top of the last weeks of school, home life, and my beautiful baby, I was a ticking time bomb--ready to explode.

I've been argumentative, rude, and plain selfish. The reality of it, too, was that I couldn't see that I was acting that way. I felt like the victim. I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions. I took many things out on my mother, and wasn't always present with my son. My relationships with other family and close friends was also being affected. I was resentful, angry, and hurt.

With the resentment, I felt the need to retaliate. Argue back, say mean things, ignore, and act "better than". Those things, in the end, really only hurt me. I lost some precious time, but I have since realized it and I am able to start the day again. Refreshed and renewed.

"My happiness is guaranteed if I take the time to help others find it today."
This was a quote from my daily reading. It really spoke to me.

I also found this note, written by my mother:
"To know things is to know thy self. More knowing is a path to make us more humble and modest. He who knows makes himself the lowest, knows everything, and he attains the universal consciousness of eternal sacrifice."

Wow. That is the ultimate "giving". Humble and modest. Two words I need to study.

I pray I may keep this in mind today.

"Our business in life is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves."
-Maltbie D. Babcock

<3 Amelia

Peace and Love

Life isn't about the ending point, it's about the journey; we aren't born the ultimate person we become, because growing, living, peace, serenity, happiness, wealth, and love are all a process. The only thing that is constant is change.

I read a great quote today by Ghandi:  

"Outward peace is useless without inner peace."

My own testament of this is probably wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting my emotions show. I haven't mastered the art of facial disguise, probably because I am so emotional, but I am working on it. 

Funny thing, these emotions. One time, I told myself, "Listen to your heart.." Then, I found myself in some sticky situations. Emotions are totally impractical, unreliable, and just because I feel them, doesn't mean they are true. Emotions are not accountable, and they almost always muck up a situation. So, the next time you are trying to make a decision, use your brain. That's all you can really rely on. THINK.

I saw this cool Bob Marley quote/pic today on FB...







Even though I don't feel capable of investing my heart and soul into a relationship, I do feel like I've been lead on, in a couple of different directions. I want to firmly plant my feet in an independent relationship with myself, and until I am capable of loving myself for who I am, without the approval or acceptance of another person, I don't think I can be. I need friends, not lovers,--supporters, not fighters. 

I love you but not your choices.  

<3 Amelia

Positive Affirmations of CoDA

Recently, I was at a wonderful 1st step Codependents anonymous meeting. There were so many newcomers there, and it was a very high energy meeting. Coincidentally, I was the leader, and instead of becoming too nervous, I felt empowered. Hopefully I could come across to these people in an informed way!! I think I did, anyways :)

When I was preparing the night before, I wanted to make sure that this meeting started off on the right foot.  I chose to make it a more formal meeting, since it was the first of the year. I am really glad that I did. I think that the formality was greeted with a deeper understanding of the group, as a program, rather than just a meeting. It had the right components to ignite new ideas in some of the members, which was brought up afterwards.

Part of my plan was to delegate the duties of reading specific things to some of the members before the group started. All of the information isn't usually read, but I wanted to read it all, so we had many members help get the meeting going. My final duty, besides leading the meeting, was to read the CoDA affirmations. They are sometimes left out, but since they are so powerfully uplifting, I wanted to make sure we ended on a positive note. They always make me feel so special, and loved by me.

Here is a big list, and all of them are great and very meaningful. I underlined some of the ones that make me truly feel good, from the inside.I found this list at the CoDA Online site.

I am a child of God; I deserve love, peace and prosperity for me.

I am not alone, I am one with God and the universe.

I am a good person to me for me.

I am loved and I deserve love.

I have many talents

I am not a victim

I will be who I am and I am enough.

I am worthy and good to me for me.

I am a loving person

I am a strong, capable person

I respect myself and I deserve respect from others

I set my boundaries for me

I respect mine and others boundaries for me

The pain that I feel by remembering, can not be any worse than the pain that I feel by knowing and not remembering

I take full charge of my life today

I let serenity flow into my life

I feel appreciated today

I can give to others with no strings attached

I can meet new opportunities without fear

I will not be intimidated for me

Today I view my childhood without shame

Today I have confidence  

Today I will rejoice in my abilities

I trust in the serenity my God provides

I am calm and tranquil.

I can be playful

I open my heart to my inner child

I have a new awareness in my life

I acknowledge my needs

I allow God to enter my life today
I can face my fears & work to overcome them

I can trust my thoughts & emotions

I feel my feelings for me

I can be vulnerable with someone I trust.

I forgive myself for accepting sex when I wanted love.

I make decisions confidently for me

I am kind, loving and gentle to me for me

I acknowledge my needs

I am peaceful and loving

I am joyful

I will seek out friends today

I am a friendly person

I am a good listener

I feel good about myself for me

I express my feelings for me

I make wise choices for me

I treat myself with kindness & patience

I am in charge of my life

I forgive myself & others who have hurt me

I am a friend to myself

I can express my anger openly, honestly & appropriately

I can handle criticism with ease

Today I will put all negativity behind me 

I hope that this list made you feel good, today. I know I sure do. Leave a comment with any affirmation you would like to add!!

Let it begin with me.

Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me. Amen.

Every time I try and write something, I can feel an underlying tone of hostility and anger. Hence the little prayer above. I want to make this afternoon joyous, exciting, and fun. I do not want to carry this emotional hangover that I have put myself through to thrive any longer, so I think I am going to write a little bit about what I am thankful for today. A grattitude list, if you will.

Overall, I am thankful for a higher power that I can turn to in times of good and bad.
1. My physical, mental, and emotional health.
2. My family: My mother for helping me, no matter what. My son for always putting a smile on my face and love in my heart.
3. My knowledge, both of things good and bad, and the power I have with knowing. I am truly blessed to be a lover of learning.
4. My job(s). Today, I am a mother and a nanny. I choose to be happy and fun, because these children depend on me.
5. My car. It has been reliable and trustworthy. The heat is nice and toasty!!
6. My program. My higher power, my groups, my literature, my friends. It has truly allowed me to turn my entire health around.
7. The little income that I do make. This is where I would like to say something that is bothering me. With the exception of maybe 10-15 college mates, I don't really know anyone else who is a single mom, working full time or not, who is not on some form of governmental aid, be it medicaid, food stamps, TANF, or  housing/ childcare vouchers. When I get onto a social media network and my news feed has been blown up about "unnecessary taxes" or "bullshit laws taking out my money" it makes me livid. The government is doing it's job, and instead of BITCHING about what you are NOT getting, why cant you be GRATEFUL for what you DO have. I have given this misery i am feeling over to my higher power, and there is really nothing more I can say on this subject other than this: For the most part, those of us who are on any kind of governmental help DO NOT WANT IT. Rather, if we didn't have it, our CHILDREN would suffer. Look at the bigger picture, folks. IT'S ABOUT THE HELPLESS CHILDREN. So, if I happen to offend you, it's not because I don't care about your opinion. It's because I care MORE about making sure MY CHILD is taken care of, even if I do get glares, nasty remarks, or sub-par treatment. I will take what I can get and I will be GRATEFUL.

It's easy as 1, 2, 3

In Al-Anon, I have been working the first two steps, and today I finally tackled the third. I feel so accomplished. I feel so eager. I feel relieved!!

I've said it before, but like Dori in Finding Nemo--I'll say it again (P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.): the first three steps of Al-Anon or any other 12 step program can be summed up in three simple phrases. 

I can't. God can. I will let him.

When I first heard this from a friend, I was really amazed. Then I forgot the slogan and didn't think about it much more. I heard it again, and I decided to write it down. It wasn't until the third time I heard it--in an email-- that I finally wrote it on a notecard that I keep on my mirror so that I can see it every day. It is a powerful statement; one that no other can really replace.

So, for my work on the third step, I really made myself happy, and I realized that even without fully reading all of my reading material over it, I still understood it pretty well, and that I was living the third step in most of my daily living. When I say most, it's probably the 65% of the time, usually when I am feeling energized, positive, and focused. That other 35% of the time is something that I am working on abolishing minimizing, but I know it will take time.I am willing, and I am able. Most of all, I believe in myself. 

Okay, so now I am going to go further into my research on step three. Continue reading, by all means, but I certainly don't want to bore...I really just want to have this written some place I know I can retrieve it later on. Please leave comments or questions if you feel inclined. 

Step 3

I think that the third step is the phrase, "Let go and let God" in a nutshell. We are giving our will and our lives over and putting it in the hands of God. This slogan is something that I have always heard, ever since I was a child, and now that I am in program, it really is easier to practice because the higher power is so much closer to me. I have always believed, and I have always prayed, but sometimes, I would forget and now I can't forget.

One of the things I did to help me give everything over to God was make a God Box. It is an old baby wipe container, the kind with the pop top. I labeled it and everything. Now every morning, I get up and write something I am thankful for, and throughout the day I usually end up writing something to give to God. It has helped me so much, and I have only been using it for three days.

 *LET GO and LET GOD*

I finally read up on step three in "How Al-Anon Works" and it has opened my eyes on a few matters.

1.) How I define my higher power.

I think of my higher power as the collective soul of the universe, conspiring together to make all things one. Like the entire world is beating with one heart, playing in one story, written by the ultimate hand of God. My higher power, God, is who I pray to for relief from worry, fear, and anxiety. He calms me, reminding me that I am safe in his arms, no matter what situations may arise. I think that my arrival into this specific al-anon group, and all of the people that I have met along the way were things that were meant to be, just like I was meant to meet Alex and have a beautiful baby. The higher power I pray to doesn't need formalities, rather just an open heart, willing to be loved.

2.) I am powerless, still!

I know that I am not powerful enough to rule my life, let alone anyone else. I know that my old ways were molded to deal with those around me. To survive situations. To control my feelings and actions, and those of the others in my life, as well. My old ways have also led me here to Al-anon. Finally, I am learning to change them and to become one with serenity. "Our old self reliance and self determination have let us down again and again." This phrase struck me. It is so true. It is too hard to rely on ourselves, just as the big book of AA says that will power can only last so long, and then the first drink can sneak up on you from no where. That is the same with this program. Unless I practice the steps, slogans and the prayers daily, I am unable to live in a serene way. I am unable to live lovingly in the hands of my God. It only makes sense to keep doing it this way, rather than any other way. 

3.) All I have to do is make the decision.

I love this part of step 3. All I have to do is make the decision to give my will and life over to the care of my higher power, and the rest is done. Faith is a must, and the decision is necessary, but after that, the worry and fear seem to subside, little by little, day by day, more and more .I am so thankful that I have had the awakening, and the knowledge, guidance and support to make this decision. Seeing those two new people there last night really reminded me of how easy it is to come, and then also, not to continue to go. I sometimes feel like I would be better off staying home, in my pj’s than coming into a meeting, but I am always wrong. I need every one of those hour long moments of serenity, even if I am reeling over a particular issue. That is the decision. It’s a decision I am happy that I make every day.

No matter what happens in my life, I know that I will be safe in God’s arms, loved and cared for. I just have to make that decision to let Him have it. I am putting it in more capable hands, anyways ;)

<3 Amelia

Honesty is the best policy.

It's crazy to me to know and see how things truly are meant to happen these days. Nothing happens that isn't a part of the bigger plan.

Last night, around 6 PM, I went to a CoDA meeting. I was late. I was upset. I was surprised I even made it thru the door. But, the topic was on honesty and duty, and as soon as I heard that, I knew I was safe, and felt comforted.

Well, I am so happy that I went to that meeting because later that night, well actually, at 1am this morning, I got a BRUTALLY honest email from my boss telling me how I was NOT doing my duty.

As soon as I read the words, my heart was racing. I felt wronged, angered, and instantly defensive. This must be how it felt when I pointed out the wrong doings of others. No wonder it never went over well, especially with someone who was disease ridden!!

THANK GOD FOR CODA and AL-ANON.

My heart was still pounding two hours later, but eventually, I was able to get to sleep. When I woke up, the urge to get back at my boss jumped back into my head, and instead of taking the time that instant (mostly--actually, ONLY because I was late for work) to write her a spiteful, rude email, I prayed. I PRAYED, PRAYED, PRAYED. 

Dear Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

The courage to change the things I can, 

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen   

I went to work.

I played with little kids. 

I ate some food, drank some awesome coffee, and then I actually went back and looked in my old notes to verify what I thuoght, to what she was telling me. And guess what.....

I WAS WRONG!    

I hurriedly, but thoughtfully wrote back a concise reply that begged for forgiveness, and expressed utter dissatisfaction with my performance, with an emphasis on making sure the "incidences" would never happen again. PHEW!!!

 I am so thankful that I was truthful with MYSELF before blaming others. I am so thankful that I can honestly look back at my life and my doings and promptly admit when I do something wrong. 

And it is all because of the amazing program I am in. Thank you, THANK YOU, Thank You!!!

Be good to yourself. Be true to yourself. 

Who knows. If she would've let this go, never telling me the thruth, and then a week later, fired me because of the instances, I would've been crushed. I was so thankful for being told the truth and her BRUTAL honesty, for now I will grow and learn from this. 

This also goes for the people in my life. I can allow them to lie to me, as much as they do, and then when something awful comes up, I feel absolutely destroyed, because it wasn't the truth. Well, now I am going to do my best to be truthful to myself about the lies I accept. I seem to know what is going on, though I am just in denial about it, so I tell myself that everything is just fine. Well, that doesn't really sound like something that ANYONE should be doing.

I want to be honest with myself. 

I want happiness from within.

I want the love I deserve. 

I will be honest, I will be happy, and I will give myself love. 

To Thine Own Self Be True.....

 

<3 Amelia

   

Closing time.

My emotions seem to be getting the best of me, lately.

Today I actually cried.

Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.

I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.

An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.

 Closing Time by SEMISONIC

The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity. 

I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.

When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore

I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be. 


With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.

In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."

True Perfection Seems Imperfect.

I have recently come to a realization about myself: I am a perfectionist.

I hold myself to UNrealistically high standards, and when those standards are not met, I beat myself up, blame others, and become overwhelmed with inadequate feelings.

This is true for all things in my life, and i am JUST realizing it.

My body.

My thought pattern.

My parenting style.

My family.

My school work.

My job.

My relationships with others.

My PAST.

ALl of those things, to be kept "perfect" would be exhausting.

I once heard at an Al-Anon meeting, "WOW, it must be EXHAUSTING to be you--always trying to control everything and make everything PERFECT." The statement wasn't directed at me, but I took that to heart.

My life had become exhausting.

To constantly brood over how I could've done something better in my past, or how to make any of those things I mentioned above perfect in the future was absolutely insane.

I felt OUT of control trying to KEEP things IN control.

 Ironic, eh??

Well, someone pointed out to me that....

" Such perfectionism perpetuates dissatisfaction and low self-esteem."

And that, Ladies and Gents, hit the nail on the head.

I was ( am--I haven't overcome this phenomena yet. ) constantly feeling dissatisfied with the work that I did do, and my self-esteem generally runs a little low.

And, why?? I do not know. Well, actually, I do know. It's because I expect perfection.

Today, after a wonderful 1 year anniversary meeting of our lovely little Al-Anon group, I took my sleeping angel to the beach. He dreamt while I watched the shoreline come back and forth, in all of its glory. perfectly rocking the sand in and out of the little grooves, pushing over rocks and shells, unending. The water and sky were combined, as one, by the fog that mysteriously lingered, hiding the rays of sunlight from shining through. Though not a "picture perfect" sight, it was perfect for me. It was what I needed to see. I felt comforted, oddly, by the unknown behind that fog. Comforted by it's perfection.

I feel comforted, because I now understand that NOTHING is perfect. Who gets to determine perfect anyways? Not you, nor I. Our creator loves us for us, and that comes with all of our imperfections.

It reminds me of a line from a poem in the book, tao te ching, by Stephen Mitchel:

True perfection seems imperfect,

yet it is perfectly itself.

 

I commit myself today to consciously focus on times when I feel my need for perfection poking through. I commit to accomplishing more, and loving the result, though it may be "imperfect".

I want to be more love, loving,and loved. I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF!!! 

How are you loving yourself today?? Let me know by leaving a comment :)

<3 Amelia

A hurt ego, but a wise heart.

So, I am sitting here at work, after just finding out that I did not get the promotion/raise for the job I just got, and I am TRYING not to let it get to me. I needed to tell someone because not only is my ego bruised, (why didn't the doctors like ME???), but, I am also trying not to worry about what these doctors I am working with today are thinking of me.

Last night, I knew I would be finding out about this soon, so I made myself write down that I would be understanding, and that whatever decision that was made would be right for ME. Well, I know that it is. God allowed it to happen.

Now, thankfully, I can see things as they are and realize that the things that have been happening lately (like seeing the TA for the organic chemistry course that I met in line to vote again at the gas station) as an omen about NEEDING to continue with these classes so that I can go to medical school.

Maybe the promotion, with it's extra duties and extra hours, would have been more of a burden than a blessing. Maybe I would've hated it. Maybe I would've not continued with the two other classes having found out that I got this job, and then I would've prolonged my MCAT exam, and consequently my application to medical school...I am saying "maybe" because ALL OF THESE THINGS WERE THOUGHTS AND IDEAS THAT WERE GOING THROUGH MY HEAD!!! WOW!!!

In the book, The Alchemist,  by Paul Choelo, it talks about letting NOTHING get in the way of your dreams. It talks about keeping your heart and mind and soul open to the language of the world, and seeing things for what they are-- the language of the world--with all of it's messages, omens, and signs. It tells you what is happening, how it should be happening, and that whatever is happening is MEANT to happen. Holy Hott Stuff, I'm on to something!!!!

In the book, the boy is on his journey of his own personal legend. The boy meets a king, who first appears to him in a busy market place, but then he continues to appear to him, again and again, throughout the novel in different forms: a good idea, a kind merchant, a theif (weird, I know), and so many othe ways. He guides him, but he often tests him as well. He wants the boy to continue to fulfill his personal legend. The boy, just as he is very near to his personal legend, meets a girl and falls madly in love with her. He wants to abandon his dream, and stay with her. But, she tells him no. She says, you will never be happy if you don't do what your HEART is telling you to do.

So, just like the boy, I feel like my higher power is making me aware that this job, the promotion that I longed for, will not fulfill my heart, not my personal legend. It is not what I am destined to do. It is not the end of the road for me.

And thank GOD, because I really don't LOVE working 12 hour shifts in the ER 4 days a week!!!!

Okay, well now that I have written this blog post, I can clearly, happily, and wholeheartedly say that I am not distraught over the news. I know that there is something MORE I have to be doing, and even though it was something that I wanted to happen, it is not something that was supposed to happen for me.

Just like I have already learned, when I pray for something, I ALWAYS GET THE ANSWER I NEED, not necessarily what I think I need, or what I think I want. 

Positivity, Patience, and Persistence. 

Today, I have a program. I will not show that I am hurt, even though I may be. Without the Al-Anon and CoDA programs, I do not know where I would be. Without the people and literature and the meetings, I do not know if I would've handled it as well.

 Oh, and writing in this blog has TRULY helped.

<3 Amelia

The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly the meaning behind the happenings in my life are.

Sometimes I think, why is this happening to me?

Sometimes I question what a specific person is doing in my life.

Then I stop and realize, GOD knows the meaning, HE makes things happen, and HE puts the people in my life that need to be there.

My whole life has been filled with small, medium, and large miracles.

These miracles have come in the form of being at the right place at the right time, making the right decision, and meeting the right people.

It has all happened because that was part of the plan, yet we as humans don't realize this. We think things are coincidences. We think that fate has brought these things into our lives, when in reality, the story has already been written.

I know this for a fact, because once I gave up trying to understand things and actually LOOKED and LISTENED to the things happening around me, I was blinded by the light of truth. The information washed over my conscious (and unconscious, as many things have started revealing themselves to me in my dreams), and now, more than ever before, if I ask for an answer, I GET THE ANSWER I NEED.

Like someone said in a meeting this week, "It may not be the Santa Clause answer I am WANTING, but it is the answer that my life NEEDS."

If you pray, think or just TALK to your higher power,  he hears you. He actually hears you when you are feeling the farthest from Him. He is never TOO far away.

Today, as I was driving to my nannying job, I saw this billboard from a church. The quote for today was,

"The problem ahead is never greater than the power from behind."

How insightful is that?!!?? I mean, wow. I needed that today. I needed to be reminded that, even though times are PRESENTLY more difficult to see the bigger picture right now, the times ahead will soon be clear enough. The understanding of WHY we are going through whatever we go through will soon be known. 

Give it all time. Time heals. Have patience and give your Higher Power time to allow things to develop as HE sees fit. 

And always remember...

"THY WILL, NOT MY WILL, BE DONE"

SOULFOOD: my belief in a higher power and my recovery through Al-anon.

I am a true and grateful member of Al-Anon. It's been 5 months since I first sat down around a table full of members and spilled my guts about my personal hell in dealing with others. Today, I have a new found respect for those of us that find this group, and I have complete and utter grattitude for those who helped me begin this spiritual journey.

Al-Anon isn't just about friends and family members of alcoholics, but rather it is about dealing with anyone, anywhere, anytime. It's a ground work in how to be a good person! It's about taking care of yourself. It is a selfish program that makes you look inwardly on your thoughts, words, and deeds, and it helps you to recognize why things in your life may not be fairy tale perfect.

All of us are different, but many share the same stories and experiences. We learn from eachother. We grow from unity within.

Like other 12 step programs (i.e. AA), there is a process and a progressive pattern for beginning a journey of recovery, but ultimately, the first little baby step is deciding to go. Then you begin to work the steps and that's when the magic happens.

The first three steps, which are normally the hardest to accept, can be summarized as such:

1.I CAN'T
2. GOD CAN
3.I WILL LET HIM

I have accepted step 1 and 2, and today I am embarking on step 3. 

The belief in a higher power has allowed me to have confidence in the fact that everything will turn out, just as it should. Fear and anxiety have subsided.

(Those numbered steps above are paraphrased and simplified, to make it easier to understand. Please google al-anon 12 steps for full step terminology.)

I had been told for years that I needed Al-Anon family group, but I was "fine" and was so controlling, that I never gave it a chance. One of the readings today actually said, "Sometimes, people don't know how badly they need a new way of life until disaster overtakes them." And, wow, that is so very true.

My disaster was losing my "family". Moving out of a broken relationship that had been shattered by the disease of alcoholism. After moving on, and being torn up over it, it STILL took me three months to succumb and ask for help.

Well, like I said, that was five months ago, and I am so thankful that I have found Al-Anon, for my life is truly changed for the better.

If there is any doubt in your mind about attending this group, drop it, and GO! It may take a few meetings to click and feel "right", but it's usually right where you need to be.

I have just bought my 3rd book on the subject, and when I started reading it, I was prompted to write about it. I hope this post was insightful and helpful.

Have any of you been to a 12 step meeting? If so, how has it changed your life?

<3 Amelia.

SOULFOOD: Overcoming F.E.A.R.

When something scares me, my first instinct is to flea. When I worry about doing well, I immediately make up ten excuses in my head about why I can't do it, so that doing it poorly won't be an option.
 
An acronym that has been used to describe fear is : Forget Everything And Run. This acronym is usually how I think about facing challenges. I realized though, that excuses and running away from problems that cause fear didn't solve the problem. It just puts them off for later!!

So, I REWORD that phrase and get: Face Everything And Recover.

The reading in CoDA for today reminded me of those two acronyms, and so I am using the SECOND one as my mantra for today/tomorrow, as I prepare to take my physics midterm! I am choosing to abolish thoughts of abandoning my problems (or my made up problems--taking an exam is something that I SIGNED UP FOR!!! LOL), and face them head on even though I feel like my biggest fear lately is doing well in my two pre-med courses: Physics and Calculus.

Last weekend, I took my calculus midterm, and I got a 79.98%, which rounds to be a B-. This was not what I was expecting, and I was bummed by my result. To prepare for the exam, I studied hard all week; I made a "cribsheet" with example questions and answers, equations, and tips for how to do the problem; and I felt really good about the work I had done in the three hours it took me to complete the exam. I closed my eyes as I clicked "submit", and when I opened them, my heart sank.

Well, that experience has made preparing for my second exam, the physics midterm, all the more fearful, and my level of anxiety and worry at the beginning of this week were rather high. I have a great program though, and through that I was able to let go, and detach, with the knowledge that the exam was now over, and that I could move on. The relief I felt after meditating about that past exam was immense.

Now I have spent this week preparing for the physics exam, but something in my head: as much as I prepare, and try to force the knowledge to flow, the worse I do. I have accepted that I do not have the power to ruin God's plan for me. As long as I do the foot work (studying and preparing), I will get to where I need to be, because God's plan is so much greater than the plan that I have in my head and my heart.

I know, with prayer and meditation, I will be able to face my challenges as they come, and when they do come, with calm deliberation.

Me in my "study", wearing my "preparing for med-school" glasses.

How are you facing your challenges? How do you manage when something is causing you to worry? I'd love to hear from you!!

<3 Amelia

SOUL FOOD: Acceptance

I have been working very hard lately to take care of me, my soul, and I. Every day, I take the time to read literature from Al-Anon, or from CoDA. I attend both groups on a weekly basis, and through them I have learned so much.

The serenity prayer is something that I have come to use moment to moment in times of worry, discomfort, and fear.

"Dear Lord,

Please Grand Me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot CHANGE,

The COURAGE to change the things I CAN, 

and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE."

And when I am struggling with those things that I cannot change, I say more simply: 

"I can't, God can, I'll let him."

Today has been a good day, but some moments are more difficult than others. One in particular had my heart pounding, head reeling, and stomach churning, yet instead of letting those thoughts and feelings CONSUME me, I said the serenity prayer. I quickly realized, that even though the conversation on the phone that I was having wasn't sounding like something I agreed with, I have no POWER over the other person who is talking, and I cannot CHANGE them, or their thoughts. 

Because of that simple little prayer, I was able to detach from the phone call, just enough to still be able to listen, but also enough so that I didn't let my head or my heart get angry. I accepted his words, listened intently, and tried to empathize with his reasoning. 

I am scared for him, but I know that all is in divine order, and because of that divine intervention, I feel safe, and comfortable with my actions. I am happy to say that, no matter what happens, it is in God's best interest. God doesn't let things happen, without already knowing what the consequences are. 

Something I like to remember when facing a challenge: 

"If God puts you through it, God will bring you through it, you just have to have FAITH."

How do you feed your soul? Are you spiritual, or not? Do you have faith in a Higher Power, that allows you to let go of the burden of worry and fear? Let me know, I'd love to hear from you!

<3 Amelia