I hold myself to UNrealistically high standards, and when those standards are not met, I beat myself up, blame others, and become overwhelmed with inadequate feelings.
This is true for all things in my life, and i am JUST realizing it.
My body.
My thought pattern.
My parenting style.
My family.
My school work.
My job.
My relationships with others.
My PAST.
ALl of those things, to be kept "perfect" would be exhausting.
I once heard at an Al-Anon meeting, "WOW, it must be EXHAUSTING to be you--always trying to control everything and make everything PERFECT." The statement wasn't directed at me, but I took that to heart.
My life had become exhausting.
To constantly brood over how I could've done something better in my past, or how to make any of those things I mentioned above perfect in the future was absolutely insane.
I felt OUT of control trying to KEEP things IN control.
Ironic, eh??
Well, someone pointed out to me that....
" Such perfectionism perpetuates dissatisfaction and low self-esteem."
And that, Ladies and Gents, hit the nail on the head.
I was ( am--I haven't overcome this phenomena yet. ) constantly feeling dissatisfied with the work that I did do, and my self-esteem generally runs a little low.
And, why?? I do not know. Well, actually, I do know. It's because I expect perfection.
Today, after a wonderful 1 year anniversary meeting of our lovely little Al-Anon group, I took my sleeping angel to the beach. He dreamt while I watched the shoreline come back and forth, in all of its glory. perfectly rocking the sand in and out of the little grooves, pushing over rocks and shells, unending. The water and sky were combined, as one, by the fog that mysteriously lingered, hiding the rays of sunlight from shining through. Though not a "picture perfect" sight, it was perfect for me. It was what I needed to see. I felt comforted, oddly, by the unknown behind that fog. Comforted by it's perfection.
I feel comforted, because I now understand that NOTHING is perfect. Who gets to determine perfect anyways? Not you, nor I. Our creator loves us for us, and that comes with all of our imperfections.
It reminds me of a line from a poem in the book, tao te ching, by Stephen Mitchel:
True perfection seems imperfect,
yet it is perfectly itself.
I commit myself today to consciously focus on times when I feel my need for perfection poking through. I commit to accomplishing more, and loving the result, though it may be "imperfect".
I want to be more love, loving,and loved. I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF!!!
How are you loving yourself today?? Let me know by leaving a comment :)
<3 Amelia
