Making hard decisions, like what to spend your time on, truly are some of the most frustrating things that can ever be done.
Today I read a blog post about wasting your time on mindless things and one of those things was toxic relationships.
A toxic relationship doesn't have to mean the worst possible thing ever...it could be simply that you are spending too much time on the other person, and your own life is suffering, which is exactly what mine was about.
Even though I have been working on fixing things, I think at this point, it is going to take time. A lot of time.
No words can change the situation, no immediate actions can rework the present, and certainly nothing in the world can magically make everything better.
It brings reality to my world. To let go and give time to the situation also means to get a grip on what my PRESENT reality is. I have been holding onto this picture of perfection in my mind for so long, and it hasn't happened yet, and I don't know when it will, so I must let go of that and face the truth, however ugly it may be.
It is so sad to say this, but I really didn't want to admit that I was a single mother. I always thought that because we were trying to work things out, and because we were still talking, that I wasn't doing this alone, but in reality, I have been for the past eight months. EIGHT MONTHS. It has taken me eight months to come to this reality.
I am a single mom.
I am a good mom.
No matter what, whether I am single or with his father, I will be there for him and give him what he needs.
I am really sad about this. I wanted a perfect little family life. I wanted a father around for my boy. I wanted so much more than this: sitting in my room, crying, writing a stupid blog about this.
But, before I never had time to blog. I never had time to read, or bake, or cook, or be happy, or to take care of myself. I was so ill-consumed with taking care of him that I gave myself no time at all.
Now I am taking care of myself. I am making the hard choices, but these hard choices are making me a stronger, more evolved person.
I just wish it wasn't so lonely. And sad. And hard.
<3 Amelia
