Closing time.

My emotions seem to be getting the best of me, lately.

Today I actually cried.

Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.

I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.

An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.

 Closing Time by SEMISONIC

The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity. 

I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.

When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore

I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be. 


With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.

In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."

SOULFOOD: Overcoming F.E.A.R.

When something scares me, my first instinct is to flea. When I worry about doing well, I immediately make up ten excuses in my head about why I can't do it, so that doing it poorly won't be an option.
 
An acronym that has been used to describe fear is : Forget Everything And Run. This acronym is usually how I think about facing challenges. I realized though, that excuses and running away from problems that cause fear didn't solve the problem. It just puts them off for later!!

So, I REWORD that phrase and get: Face Everything And Recover.

The reading in CoDA for today reminded me of those two acronyms, and so I am using the SECOND one as my mantra for today/tomorrow, as I prepare to take my physics midterm! I am choosing to abolish thoughts of abandoning my problems (or my made up problems--taking an exam is something that I SIGNED UP FOR!!! LOL), and face them head on even though I feel like my biggest fear lately is doing well in my two pre-med courses: Physics and Calculus.

Last weekend, I took my calculus midterm, and I got a 79.98%, which rounds to be a B-. This was not what I was expecting, and I was bummed by my result. To prepare for the exam, I studied hard all week; I made a "cribsheet" with example questions and answers, equations, and tips for how to do the problem; and I felt really good about the work I had done in the three hours it took me to complete the exam. I closed my eyes as I clicked "submit", and when I opened them, my heart sank.

Well, that experience has made preparing for my second exam, the physics midterm, all the more fearful, and my level of anxiety and worry at the beginning of this week were rather high. I have a great program though, and through that I was able to let go, and detach, with the knowledge that the exam was now over, and that I could move on. The relief I felt after meditating about that past exam was immense.

Now I have spent this week preparing for the physics exam, but something in my head: as much as I prepare, and try to force the knowledge to flow, the worse I do. I have accepted that I do not have the power to ruin God's plan for me. As long as I do the foot work (studying and preparing), I will get to where I need to be, because God's plan is so much greater than the plan that I have in my head and my heart.

I know, with prayer and meditation, I will be able to face my challenges as they come, and when they do come, with calm deliberation.

Me in my "study", wearing my "preparing for med-school" glasses.

How are you facing your challenges? How do you manage when something is causing you to worry? I'd love to hear from you!!

<3 Amelia