Sing Momma

Sitting in the tranquil tenderness of the flickering flames are the thoughts of the day, emanating from my overstuffed soul.
Watching the day roll out and the settled in stillness of sleep ride in on a train of soft touches-hand in hand-telling me, 'I love you' with the ink of his fingertips.
Nothing spoken, the words formed in bone long before life began.
'Sing Momma, sing me a song.'
'What, my boy?'
'Hmmm...' As if he has too many loved lullabies to choose from.
'My sunshine, my only sunshine.'
He finishes the line with a perfectly pitched, 'Grey.'
Like two tweeting birds, telling a story in a language all their own are my words in a song, the way we speak. The bonds written before breath.
Chosen, our lives,  a long time before our birth. The choice, a question in chance, the many moments along the path to enjoying the journey.
Footprints, fingerprints, countless lines etched in the soul of the world, loved by their creator, knowing the time spent was meant and needed.
Say yes, ride into the waves of joy, sails propelled by the breath of faith.

-AFW

Amelia, Full of Faith

As I was walking along the beautiful lake shore this windy afternoon, I noticed the shore had changed its shape from the previous night’s wind storm. The waves were still high, rolling in, bringing a plethora of new stones and baubles to the beach. What a sight to see something so big changed by the forces of nature. That shore I saw last week will never be exactly the same as the shore that will arrive tomorrow. In so many ways, the shore is related to my life. Like the sands changing in time by the environment around it, so am I. Never the same as yesterday, and a mystery in what I will become tomorrow. 

Life is a gift, cherish it. 

I am sitting here, peacefully, in my new home, my new life. A soundtrack playing of the waves in the distance, and I can only say this: I am cherishing every single moment. Getting to this place did not happen on my own. The spiritual growth that I have experienced over the last year has prepared me to gather the gifts God is giving me, and enjoy them. I have supreme faith that all in life is already written, like a story. When something happens in the story, it continues, and then something else happens. Having faith that the story will continue is a gift to me. I needed faith to bring me here. I need my faith to keep me on the path of self-love and serenity.  

Having faith that this life is taken care of, no matter what, is such a blessing. The worry, fear, indecision, and hurry seem to flow out, and then there is room for the love to flow in. Breathing in the love, and breathing out the fear. The walk helped me to do that. The walk also helped me to see that there is love all around me. Everywhere I looked, I saw a heart rock. I wanted to pick them all up, and keep them to show them off, but I want others to find the love, too. There are so many people in my life that have shared their love with me, and I finally feel ready to share mine. 

Life is life, fight for it.

The John Wayne

This cute little song has got goosebumps all over my body .

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

It has been a month or so since I last blogged.


I don't know why I felt compelled to do so today. Maybe because I don't know who to talk to about my feelings.

I am sad. I might just be pms-ing, which is a lame excuse, and right now it's ok with me. I want to write for me, and others to read. Some times it includes the low moments.Hopefully, tomorrow, I will be seeing and feeling differently.

I have been trying to see the light on my future path, yet more and more dirt and sparkles keep getting thrown on it. The dirt and sparkles being things I don't like and do like. Those specks make it hard to see the truth. Those specks are provoking emotions, wherein emotion has no place.

I know that I need to pray for an answer. I know that I could be shown a sign, given a Yes or a No. Maybe I won't receive an answer at all, and that will be a sign to wait. The main thing is, I have to pray.

"When we pause to pray, we are opening ourselves to peace."

And when we pray, we realize that what we want isn't what He may want. In those answers lies out path. In those answers he shows us his plan. It is our choice to live in a way that we follow his plan, with love. It is acceptance.

For in thy light we see thy light.

In order to save face and avoid being annoying, I'm writing here. Today was a day to be thankful for. It was ordinary, but not in the same sense. I felt instantly energized when I saw the sun peak its head out. I went for a run. 34 minutes without stopping. The sunshine said, you are light. You are love. Be love. Live love. Live.

<3

Bad Romance!

Please don't read this post.  Really, it's no good. Plus it might make you think less of me. It is my true feelings, though.

Today, I went to the library with the two little guys. They loved it, I loved it--win win. We first went and played trains, then found cars, and picked out puppets and books. Finally, we went down stairs and picked out some mooozic, as Alex Jr. calls it. I luckily stumbled upon Lady Gaga's album Monster or whatever, and I jammed out to it in the car today.

One of my favorite songs is Bad Romance. I don't know why, but it always gets me. I love to belt out the WHOOOOOOOAOOOAAA part. Haha, made me laugh to just type that!

But anyways, she hott!! She isn't afraid to say what is on her mind, be it politically correct or not. Her songs are so rich with the truth!! Sometimes it makes me cringe a little bit. You know you like her. Get ova it.

Another thing about this song is that is kind of pulling at my past...

Talk about caught in a bad romance!!!Once, twice, how many times?? Should history really repeat itself?

Lately, I have been tempted! Really, I mean, REALLY tempted. Not by just one person, but like at least 5 or 6. I know I may sound a little bit pompous, saying these people are coming at me, but seriously, they won't stop!! Maybe I am sending out vibes. Whatever it is, it needs to stop. Maybe I need to gain some more weight, stop wearing make up, dress in sweats, and not shower. Yeah, that will keep them away!!!! Haha, wow. I'm nuts. But really.

Yesterday actually, I told myself and I told God that I didn't need any distractions right now. We all know what falling in love/lust/sexual comas can do...Nothing good when you need to study. Yeah, so needless to say, I am crossing my legs, turning off my ringer, and going to bed. Alone.

I DON'T WANNA BE FRIIIIIIEEEENNNNNDDSSSSS!!!!! :(  You and me could write a bad romance!

</3 Amelia

 

 It's true. 

<3 Amelia

Peace and Love

Life isn't about the ending point, it's about the journey; we aren't born the ultimate person we become, because growing, living, peace, serenity, happiness, wealth, and love are all a process. The only thing that is constant is change.

I read a great quote today by Ghandi:  

"Outward peace is useless without inner peace."

My own testament of this is probably wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting my emotions show. I haven't mastered the art of facial disguise, probably because I am so emotional, but I am working on it. 

Funny thing, these emotions. One time, I told myself, "Listen to your heart.." Then, I found myself in some sticky situations. Emotions are totally impractical, unreliable, and just because I feel them, doesn't mean they are true. Emotions are not accountable, and they almost always muck up a situation. So, the next time you are trying to make a decision, use your brain. That's all you can really rely on. THINK.

I saw this cool Bob Marley quote/pic today on FB...







Even though I don't feel capable of investing my heart and soul into a relationship, I do feel like I've been lead on, in a couple of different directions. I want to firmly plant my feet in an independent relationship with myself, and until I am capable of loving myself for who I am, without the approval or acceptance of another person, I don't think I can be. I need friends, not lovers,--supporters, not fighters. 

I love you but not your choices.  

<3 Amelia

Love finds me.

Hello Lovelies,

I have been away for what seems like an eternity, and I think it has much to do with my desires to be perfect (like keeping the blog going and LOOKING good, even though I have hardly had a full night's sleep in three weeks!!). When my perfectionist side takes hold, and sunsequently becomes overwhelemed with all of the tasks that need to be perfected, she becomes lazy, for lack of a better term.

All in all, I can say that I truly am happy to be back, and now that the holiday crazies are gone, I can finally say that the perfectionist is also gone (for now).

The past two weeks have been a blessing. I have had almost two full weeks off of school, so no assignments to worry about, or deadlines to meet. But, without be as involved in school, I have been more involved with my job at the ER. This has made for busy days, nights and sometimes a long 12 hour shift, which doesn't really agree with me that well. The business has left me little time to spend with my adorable son, and that is the hardest thing I have been trying to deal with. He is such a doll, and this Christmas was fantastic. Check out my Christmas post for the full update. Here he is in my winter boots today, just laughing at himself!!



Despite the frustrations, I've put on my happy pants (yeah, those are free ninety free at any 12 step meeting--you should get some. One size fits all...) and "faked it till I made it."

I have made it. I am in the home stretch, with merely 4 days until the NEW YEAR!!! I have some time to spare and enjoy.

The one thing that I have really been noticing this particular holiday season is that people are NICE. Strangers, usually, but in general, people have been nice to me. Like last night as I was walking into the grocery store, this man looked at me, and said, "Happy Holidays, and a blessed New Year!" He wasn't an employee or anything, but it really made me happy. Any today, at the bank, I asked for some help with my online stuff, and the woman, as polite as can be, said, "Let me just take care of that for you while you wait, if you have time." Finally, the topper of them all was the helpful gentleman, who offered his assistance, and even a cart to place my son in (he fell asleep in my arms while out running errands) while searching for a gift for my mom for me. None of those people NEEDED to do those things, but for some reason, they had kindness in their heart and sent it out to me as LOVE. You could also call it grace, and I think I might, because those were certainly unmerited gifts in my book. No matter how little the deed, someone--somewhere-- is watching. They are observing, they are absorbing, they are loving.

I felt like these people were passing on the "LOVE BUCKET", because they, too, had been loved this holiday season. It's not about THINGS, people, it's about the LOVE!!

A recent conversation with a friend about this concept of the "LOVE BUCKET" really had me reeling the other day. It seems like people would much rather pass around a garbage bag full of hate than to pass on love, and it is seen in thoughts, words, and deeds. It is the manner in which business (life) is handled. If there was more love, there would be less hate. Pretty simple concept, if you ask me. But, none-the-less, we are stuck in our miserable ways.

There is a nice slogan that I often think of: Let It Begin With Me. No matter what you are going through, what you are dealing with, or how much cash you have--you can ALWAYS give love. It's free, and that's the best part. It is as simple as doing the next right thing, rather than assuming (remember: to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME) that someone else will take care of it.

Action!! It speaks louder than ANYTHING!!!

I don't know why this idea hit me so hard today. I think it might be brought on by some of my daily spiritual readings, but also it has a LOT to do with the behavior I have seen exhibited these past few days. The kindness may be overlooked, but it is never forgotten. <3

How have you made an impact of LOVE?? 

<3 Amelia

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums.

My delicious heart shaped frosted sugar cookies.

When I was in the midst of heartache and turmoil, back when my relationship of several years was falling apart, my mom always used to say, "You can't help who you are going to fall in love with."

It would always made me feel comforted, because it is totally, utterly true. Love. Just. Happens.

All I know of LOVE is LOVE is all there is.

 I am in more of an acceptance impression of the first three important aspects of life:  

   I can't, GOD can, I will let him. I am truly more accepting of the way things turn out in life, including everything from the weather, people, "coincidences", places, things...etc. Why? Because of that phrase above.... It's a necessity in my life. The people I have/had the privilege of talking to remind me of that.

In this amazing book called the Alchemist, which I have talked about a time or two, there is a word that stands out in my mind. Maktub. This word, in Sanskrit, means, "It has been written," or something to the effect of that. It was brought up in this book when the boy, who is on his personal legend, is trying to figure out how and why the things that are happening actually do happen on a scary trip through the war rampant dessert. Well, the Camel driver told him, "Maktub."

It comes to me time to time. It is a better word that "coincidence". It is better than "miracle". It is perfect, because it is exactly something that I can focus on to ground me. To bring me back to center. To remind me that, no, I am not some super awesome being that the world revolves around, but because I believe in a power greater than myself, I know and have come to have faith in what has been written for me. There is not controlling this life.

Things in life will happen NO MATTER WHAT. It is how you REACT and RESPOND to those things which define you. 

It's a sad day when you have to face your best friend, named denial, and tell them it's "not working out anymore." Haha, yeah, right, what are you talking about..? But when you come to terms with something that is hard to let go of, it's easier to admit it than to keep on believing it, even though it may be hard. Really fucking hard. The admitting part. Ouch. </3

A line from a movie keeps hitting me: "How could I have loved something that I never had?"

Well, the only way I can answer that is because in my heart, I did have it. I still do have it. It's not going anywhere, but the boundary I give to it can be moved back, until it is out of harms way. 

It is better to have loved, than to never have loved at all.

<3 Amelia

Christmas Break, at last!

My Dear Followers,

You may have noticed that I took a break from posting over the weekend. There were several reasons for that.
1. I was sick with the stomach bug on Saturday.
2. I worked a 12 hour shift on Sunday.
3. Any spare time was spent cramming for my Physics final. 

Well, Monday is here, my physics final is over, and I am a free woman!! Well, actually, only until January 7th, but by then I am sure my spirit and desire for knowledge will be revived.

For now.... I have  a things I would like to remark on.

1. I am so thankful for the generous support of my friends and family, as I have combined working and studying into a very long, (yet really short) semester. The help that was given, the encouraging words that were spoken, and the kind hugs are all wonderful memories of the amazing support group that I know I will ALWAYS have standing behind me. What an amazing feeling! Mother nature even sent a flock of geese to give me a warm goodbye, as I was leaving the Ivy Tech  parking lot this morning. I bet there were at least 100 of them.

The beautiful flock of geese, saying "Bon Voyage!" as I left the parking lot after my final exam. It's blurry, but I had to share.

 2. Now that I am a free soul, available to the wants and whims of my heart, I will be making a "Want To Do" list, rather than my normal "To Do" list for this break.  Here is the beginning. Notice, also, that there are no numbers assigned to anything because there is absolutely no importance place on any specific item. I want to do all equally. Though the order is what came out of my head first. Maybe that is an indicator.

• bake GF bread (yes, I will wait for you, Mom!)
• bake COOKIES
• take Alexzander to see SANTA and get a pic.
• shop for family
• send gifts
• make holiday cards
• clean roon
• clean office
• find chem books and open them
• study chemistry
• register for chemistry at IUN
• spend time with Chrissy at The Heart Box Studio, drink tea, and art (verb, yes.)
• clean out garage to park my car in there before... (oh, shoot, please don't jinx me!!)
•  work on my BLOG
• order bridesmaid dress for my big's wedding (Sorry, Big, I know I'm awful...)
• wwwwworkout! (say it like the LMFAO song, "I'm sexy and I know it")

Okay, well this is all the stuff I really WANT to do.  The stuff I MUST do is kind of incorporated in there too, but it's really because I want to do that too. Les Brown says that in order to get what you want, you truly have to be invested in it. Well, I want all of those things done, so I WANT to invest my time into them!!! Procrastination can be an issue for me, but I realize that the more I do it, the harder it is to not do it. The less you do it, the easier it is not to. WEIRD.

Hmmmmmmmm......So what to do first??? BAKE COOKIES :) But, since I'm writing this post, is that actually working on my blog? WHO CARES.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Really, I think this chica has gone loco.

 I'm going to go walk around the house in some hott pants and a bikini top, bake cookies and whatever else hits me at the moment. Why, because that is what I want to do!!!

What are you going to do this holiday season? Is it really what you WANT to do? Remember, you control what makes you HAPPY!!!!

<3

The God Box

Tonight, I went to the show, "The God Box," by Mary Lou Finlan. It was not what I was expecting (a lecture, and then a book signing), but was sparkly, heartfelt, and truly inspiring story of the mother and her  "God Box"
.
The author and also the performer was very into her message; the love in her life, especially from her mother, was very evident. I truly felt the presence of her mother  in her story, and I was so excited to listen. I am also grateful for the Memorial Opera House, and the YMCA for putting this performance on!!!




Her story reminds me of me and my mother. We have our little quirks, sayings, and the way we connect over silly things. I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother, and I dread the day when I will no longer be able to have my best friend by my side.

 In Al-Anon, the God Box is often mentioned as a means of LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD.

I have written about it before, but it is such a perfect time to reiterate the subject because many things, things which I cannot handle, are challenging me at this point in time. The people in my life, the decisions I have to make, the challenges as I face my own disease of codependency.

Tonight was such a fresh of breath air. Haha, I meant--a breath of fresh air! I got to go out and enjoy the evening, laugh, cry a little, and talk things out with a friend. It was an enjoyable evening.

I am so thankful, and the more I focus on gratitude, the better I feel about ALL of the things in my life.

Like tonight, instead of being upset about the cold, I was actually so THANKFUL to be standing outside, under the stars.

Hopefully you got to see the clear, night sky--the stars were so bright and shimmering, like a winking smile that I long to see.

I will never stress more about how things are supposed to happen for a reason and when they do and you recognize them, your Reticular Activating System is working!!! It's the Law of Attraction. I love it. ;) Something so simple as seeing a "sign", and knowing that it's got a bigger meaning, or that it doesn't. but it's just about what emphasis we put on something. Something so simple as a license place....

Anyways, I am rambling a bit. I will sign off for now.

<3 Amelia

Honesty is the best policy.

It's crazy to me to know and see how things truly are meant to happen these days. Nothing happens that isn't a part of the bigger plan.

Last night, around 6 PM, I went to a CoDA meeting. I was late. I was upset. I was surprised I even made it thru the door. But, the topic was on honesty and duty, and as soon as I heard that, I knew I was safe, and felt comforted.

Well, I am so happy that I went to that meeting because later that night, well actually, at 1am this morning, I got a BRUTALLY honest email from my boss telling me how I was NOT doing my duty.

As soon as I read the words, my heart was racing. I felt wronged, angered, and instantly defensive. This must be how it felt when I pointed out the wrong doings of others. No wonder it never went over well, especially with someone who was disease ridden!!

THANK GOD FOR CODA and AL-ANON.

My heart was still pounding two hours later, but eventually, I was able to get to sleep. When I woke up, the urge to get back at my boss jumped back into my head, and instead of taking the time that instant (mostly--actually, ONLY because I was late for work) to write her a spiteful, rude email, I prayed. I PRAYED, PRAYED, PRAYED. 

Dear Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

The courage to change the things I can, 

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen   

I went to work.

I played with little kids. 

I ate some food, drank some awesome coffee, and then I actually went back and looked in my old notes to verify what I thuoght, to what she was telling me. And guess what.....

I WAS WRONG!    

I hurriedly, but thoughtfully wrote back a concise reply that begged for forgiveness, and expressed utter dissatisfaction with my performance, with an emphasis on making sure the "incidences" would never happen again. PHEW!!!

 I am so thankful that I was truthful with MYSELF before blaming others. I am so thankful that I can honestly look back at my life and my doings and promptly admit when I do something wrong. 

And it is all because of the amazing program I am in. Thank you, THANK YOU, Thank You!!!

Be good to yourself. Be true to yourself. 

Who knows. If she would've let this go, never telling me the thruth, and then a week later, fired me because of the instances, I would've been crushed. I was so thankful for being told the truth and her BRUTAL honesty, for now I will grow and learn from this. 

This also goes for the people in my life. I can allow them to lie to me, as much as they do, and then when something awful comes up, I feel absolutely destroyed, because it wasn't the truth. Well, now I am going to do my best to be truthful to myself about the lies I accept. I seem to know what is going on, though I am just in denial about it, so I tell myself that everything is just fine. Well, that doesn't really sound like something that ANYONE should be doing.

I want to be honest with myself. 

I want happiness from within.

I want the love I deserve. 

I will be honest, I will be happy, and I will give myself love. 

To Thine Own Self Be True.....

 

<3 Amelia

   

WEI WU WEI: Doing not-doing.

 

"Less and Less do you need to force things,

 until finally you arrive at non-action. 

when nothing is done, 

nothing is left undone." 

--Lao-tzu

The beauty of life comes when you are able to Wei Wu Wei-- doing not-doing. 

"The game plays the game, the poem writes the poem and we can't tell the dancer from the dance. Nothing is done because the doer has wholeheartedly vanished into the deed."

--Stephen Mitchell

As I was meditating today, I reached a new level of consciousness. I felt. I breathed. I listened to my soul speak to my heart. I found answers in not-doing, because I was truly doing what I needed to do: Focus on myself.

This reasoning, this idea, this knowledge seems to be just happening to me, so to read about it today, was earth shattering amazing. 

I am a great believer of coincidences, but now, more than ever, I know they aren't that. Instead, it's the soul of the Universe speaking to me, teaching me, showing me, loving me. 

It can be the littlest things that turn out to be the biggest things, and that goes back to the concept of wei wu wei, doing not-doing. If you are in tune with the soul of the world, you are living in the present, doing the most, and seeing everything for what it is. 

Spirituality has become my sport, my drug, my high.

I want to do not-doing with my spirituality in the world. I want to see, hear, and feel the love this universe has for me. Embracing my higher power has allowed me to want this more than ever before. 

"I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts."

--Al-Anon: Courage to Change, pg. 339

"Whatever I focus on, I create in my life." --In This Moment, CoDA reader, pg. 339

"I ask God to help keep me on my course that will change me for better."--ODAT, pg.339

"Without Al-Anon, I might not have tapped into that Grace and the ability to love myself and others, EXACTLY where we are at in this moment in time." --Hope For Today, pg 339

My heart is holding onto these affirmations today, taking each in, feeling, loving, knowing--I am right where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing, and loving all that is this life, for there is no do over. 

I thank the Lord, for allowing me to go through hard times, so that I can grown, and find strength through overcoming anything that I am put through. 

"The only way past something is THROUGH it." 

Much love, to all of you. XOXO

<3 Amelia

We get by, with a little help from our friends.

Today was an absolutely, positively, magnificently, glorious day.  :)

Great yoga, empowering shift in the ER, beautiful sunset on the way home, and an AWESOME CoDA meeting tonight. 

 

I have learned that many things are not just what they seem, but they are rather a huge manifestation of many characteristics, ranging from people, places, to things. 

We would not be who we are if we did not have the environment around us. 

We would not know what we know if it were not for the daily interactions we experience. 

We would CERTAINLY not feel the same feelings without the joys of others in our lives. 

We are BLESSED people, to live in a world where we have SO much. Yet, when I think about it, we are also probably really poor in spirit because of all the UNNECESSARY stuff around us that prevent relationships from blossoming, strengthening, and growing, due to the distractions we face. 

I have come to enjoy something so much that it is hard to keep it in: 

I love my CoDA and Al-Anon family. 

The reading material is informative and makes you think inwardly about what it is that we, as recovering people, need to do to help US. 

The interactions, though, are a whole different story. The strength I get from the people in my groups is something that I have never experienced before. Not with family, not with friends, not with class mates or teachers.... 

THIS IS NEW, and THIS IS AMAZING. 

These people are all here for the same thing. They are here to recover and to prevent their future from recapitulating their past. They are here for happiness.

I was listening to the radio on my way home and the song Wonderwall, by Oasis came on. 

"I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all, you're my wonderwall."

It is  weird, but each of those people around those tables have truly been my wonderwall. You may never know where KNOWLEDGE will come find you, but when it does, you will probably not expect it from that particular person. Words flowing out of another's mouth, smacking you in the face. It really just depends on where each of us are at in our lives, but no matter what, there is something special going on, and I am benefiting from it!

The main thing is that we have to be open to hear  what others are saying, and once we are able to receive love, we can be love. 

Strength in numbers. This is not just a group, it's a family.  <3

Do any of you go to CoDA or Al-Anon?? If so, how do you feel about the group? Do you feel close? Do you get love out of it? Do you have questions about what Al-Anon or CoDA is?? I want to hear YOU....Leave a comment!!