Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

It has been a month or so since I last blogged.


I don't know why I felt compelled to do so today. Maybe because I don't know who to talk to about my feelings.

I am sad. I might just be pms-ing, which is a lame excuse, and right now it's ok with me. I want to write for me, and others to read. Some times it includes the low moments.Hopefully, tomorrow, I will be seeing and feeling differently.

I have been trying to see the light on my future path, yet more and more dirt and sparkles keep getting thrown on it. The dirt and sparkles being things I don't like and do like. Those specks make it hard to see the truth. Those specks are provoking emotions, wherein emotion has no place.

I know that I need to pray for an answer. I know that I could be shown a sign, given a Yes or a No. Maybe I won't receive an answer at all, and that will be a sign to wait. The main thing is, I have to pray.

"When we pause to pray, we are opening ourselves to peace."

And when we pray, we realize that what we want isn't what He may want. In those answers lies out path. In those answers he shows us his plan. It is our choice to live in a way that we follow his plan, with love. It is acceptance.

Peace and Love

Life isn't about the ending point, it's about the journey; we aren't born the ultimate person we become, because growing, living, peace, serenity, happiness, wealth, and love are all a process. The only thing that is constant is change.

I read a great quote today by Ghandi:  

"Outward peace is useless without inner peace."

My own testament of this is probably wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting my emotions show. I haven't mastered the art of facial disguise, probably because I am so emotional, but I am working on it. 

Funny thing, these emotions. One time, I told myself, "Listen to your heart.." Then, I found myself in some sticky situations. Emotions are totally impractical, unreliable, and just because I feel them, doesn't mean they are true. Emotions are not accountable, and they almost always muck up a situation. So, the next time you are trying to make a decision, use your brain. That's all you can really rely on. THINK.

I saw this cool Bob Marley quote/pic today on FB...







Even though I don't feel capable of investing my heart and soul into a relationship, I do feel like I've been lead on, in a couple of different directions. I want to firmly plant my feet in an independent relationship with myself, and until I am capable of loving myself for who I am, without the approval or acceptance of another person, I don't think I can be. I need friends, not lovers,--supporters, not fighters. 

I love you but not your choices.  

<3 Amelia

Jingle Bell Bracelet

I have been struggling with "doing the next right thing" lately. The past few days, with their problems and difficulties, have pushed my buttons--and I haven't been able to bounce back, calm and collected. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm tired. Probably both, but it really doesn't give me the room to act in the same way as I used to.

Today I read something, "If it happens once, it's a fluke. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a habit."

When I don't practice the slogans, prayers, and principles of the twelve step programs, my behavior slips back into those awful habits I learned when growing up. 

Another something that helped me today was hearing this,
"Sometimes the most courage we can have is the courage to keep our mouths shut."

 I took the high road today. Instead of lashing back when a person was verbally attacking me today, I said nothing that I regret, and instead I am praying for that person so that God may bless them.

So now, about this jingle bell bracelet. It's made from shells, heart rocks and croinoids from Lake Michigan, all braided on some hemp. There is one jingle bell, hidden behind a bigger shell. There are also beads on it that say "pray" and "LGLG". LGLG is short for Let Go and Let God.

 Have you ever watched the Christmas movie It's a Wonderful life? It's my mom's favorite holiday movie, and over the years, I have come to cherish it, as well. I love when the little ZuZu says, "Every time a bell rings, an angel get's it's wings."  I immediately thought of that today when I came across a jingle bell on a string that I made for my son back in December. It's a blessing to be able to take a simple phrase and turn it into something that you can put to work in your life.

 I needed a reminder of something bigger and better than me. I needed a reminder of my higher power, so that when I was struggling to recall the prayers and slogans, I would be able to recount that my higher power is ALWAYS  on my side. He is always there to help me, and whatever I am going through, I can give it up to him. As with step three, "we made a decision to give our lives and our will over to our higher power..." I am still working on it, even though I have been working on it for a while!!!!

Tonight ended very well. I got to work out with a trainer at the YMCA, went for a walk in Long Beach, gazed at the beautiful starts in the clear night sky, and went to a great Al-Anon meeting. It was Alex's first one, and I hope that he remembers it, because I know I sure will.

It truly is possible to turn things around, so never give up, even if you think that things couldn't get any worse. In many ways, we are SO blessed for what we have, and even though our situations can really feel awful--we ARE blessed. Blessed with life, a higher power that loves us unconditionally, and the ability to
 always start again. 

Never give up, and never surrender. 

<3 Amelia

It's easy as 1, 2, 3

In Al-Anon, I have been working the first two steps, and today I finally tackled the third. I feel so accomplished. I feel so eager. I feel relieved!!

I've said it before, but like Dori in Finding Nemo--I'll say it again (P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.): the first three steps of Al-Anon or any other 12 step program can be summed up in three simple phrases. 

I can't. God can. I will let him.

When I first heard this from a friend, I was really amazed. Then I forgot the slogan and didn't think about it much more. I heard it again, and I decided to write it down. It wasn't until the third time I heard it--in an email-- that I finally wrote it on a notecard that I keep on my mirror so that I can see it every day. It is a powerful statement; one that no other can really replace.

So, for my work on the third step, I really made myself happy, and I realized that even without fully reading all of my reading material over it, I still understood it pretty well, and that I was living the third step in most of my daily living. When I say most, it's probably the 65% of the time, usually when I am feeling energized, positive, and focused. That other 35% of the time is something that I am working on abolishing minimizing, but I know it will take time.I am willing, and I am able. Most of all, I believe in myself. 

Okay, so now I am going to go further into my research on step three. Continue reading, by all means, but I certainly don't want to bore...I really just want to have this written some place I know I can retrieve it later on. Please leave comments or questions if you feel inclined. 

Step 3

I think that the third step is the phrase, "Let go and let God" in a nutshell. We are giving our will and our lives over and putting it in the hands of God. This slogan is something that I have always heard, ever since I was a child, and now that I am in program, it really is easier to practice because the higher power is so much closer to me. I have always believed, and I have always prayed, but sometimes, I would forget and now I can't forget.

One of the things I did to help me give everything over to God was make a God Box. It is an old baby wipe container, the kind with the pop top. I labeled it and everything. Now every morning, I get up and write something I am thankful for, and throughout the day I usually end up writing something to give to God. It has helped me so much, and I have only been using it for three days.

 *LET GO and LET GOD*

I finally read up on step three in "How Al-Anon Works" and it has opened my eyes on a few matters.

1.) How I define my higher power.

I think of my higher power as the collective soul of the universe, conspiring together to make all things one. Like the entire world is beating with one heart, playing in one story, written by the ultimate hand of God. My higher power, God, is who I pray to for relief from worry, fear, and anxiety. He calms me, reminding me that I am safe in his arms, no matter what situations may arise. I think that my arrival into this specific al-anon group, and all of the people that I have met along the way were things that were meant to be, just like I was meant to meet Alex and have a beautiful baby. The higher power I pray to doesn't need formalities, rather just an open heart, willing to be loved.

2.) I am powerless, still!

I know that I am not powerful enough to rule my life, let alone anyone else. I know that my old ways were molded to deal with those around me. To survive situations. To control my feelings and actions, and those of the others in my life, as well. My old ways have also led me here to Al-anon. Finally, I am learning to change them and to become one with serenity. "Our old self reliance and self determination have let us down again and again." This phrase struck me. It is so true. It is too hard to rely on ourselves, just as the big book of AA says that will power can only last so long, and then the first drink can sneak up on you from no where. That is the same with this program. Unless I practice the steps, slogans and the prayers daily, I am unable to live in a serene way. I am unable to live lovingly in the hands of my God. It only makes sense to keep doing it this way, rather than any other way. 

3.) All I have to do is make the decision.

I love this part of step 3. All I have to do is make the decision to give my will and life over to the care of my higher power, and the rest is done. Faith is a must, and the decision is necessary, but after that, the worry and fear seem to subside, little by little, day by day, more and more .I am so thankful that I have had the awakening, and the knowledge, guidance and support to make this decision. Seeing those two new people there last night really reminded me of how easy it is to come, and then also, not to continue to go. I sometimes feel like I would be better off staying home, in my pj’s than coming into a meeting, but I am always wrong. I need every one of those hour long moments of serenity, even if I am reeling over a particular issue. That is the decision. It’s a decision I am happy that I make every day.

No matter what happens in my life, I know that I will be safe in God’s arms, loved and cared for. I just have to make that decision to let Him have it. I am putting it in more capable hands, anyways ;)

<3 Amelia

Closing time.

My emotions seem to be getting the best of me, lately.

Today I actually cried.

Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.

I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.

An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.

 Closing Time by SEMISONIC

The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity. 

I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.

When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore

I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be. 


With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.

In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."

Don't let NEGATIVE thoughts steal your energy!

I took a break yesterday from blogging due to my 12 hour shift at the ER. I am happy to be back writing again!! It truly does make me think about what I am feeling in the present moment.

It just so happens, I am not feeling very good right now, which is also why I am writing: so that I may come across some relief and serenity by getting these things out.

I am a faithful member of Al-Anon, and the reason I started going was because I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. My family also has some ingrained issues with the problems of alcoholism, so it has trickled down and effected me in specific ways in which I deal with other people, so through Al-Anon, I am working on my own spiritual and emotional recovery.

I went to a meeting today, and it was SO fitting. It was on the very first step.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable."

I was so happy to hear that it would be our topic for today, because even though i will have been in this program for 6 months at the end of December, I still have intense feelings of CHAOS in my life. That my life is TOTALLY unmanageable.

I am a wreck right now, sitting here, feeling bad for myself, and for my future. Scared that I will never see the person I care so much about gain sobriety and live a healthy life. Worried that this man will forever be the user and (alcohol) abuser that he is, and that his son will never truly know who he is capable of being. ANGERED that I keep letting myself think that things are okay,  "getting better", fixed.

Well, guess what... THEY AREN'T.

I told him today that I would love him no matter what, whether we were together or not, sober or not; he is the father of my child. But, I don't have to like him. I don't like him right now.

He is lying to me, and I know it is because of his disease...BLAH BLAH BLAH...

That's all I can seem to think about. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

The only reason I know all of this is because he accidentally butt-dialed me while at the bar. Smart one, genius. At least I did not call or text him with my anger. That is why it is coming out here.

Sorry for the long rant, but I am NOT going to let his NEGATIVE habits make MY life negative, too. I am writing to get this out. I am turning off my phone.

I am a wonderful person, I have friends, and people like me, DAMMIT!!!

OOOOMMMMMMMM. OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM. OOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM.

How do you deal with the loved ones in your life who have addictions? I'd love to hear about your succeses and struggles, your pains and sorrows, your happy moments and bad ones. I'm here to listen.

Everyone is going through their own stuff.

Tonight, a friend reminded me that, no matter what, everyone is going through their own issues, and for that we must not judge them.
This was perfectly said, and I needed to hear it because lately, I have been judging others some what harshly. I haven't been living the way I know that will give me serenity and peace. I haven't been walking the walk.

I don't need to feel anothers pain, happiness, joy, sorrow, anger, or frustration to feel WHOLE. I can feel whole just by myself. That doesn't mean I don't empathize with others, it just means I have to step back and think about what is mine to feel and what isn't

MY feelings are just that: my feelings. I am sitting here having  a "Poor Little Old Me" party, wishing things were easier, better, and that I had my picture perfect life already. I want security. I want love. I want comfort. Yes, those things are enjoyable, and I want them!!! I know what I really need, though, and that is not going to come from anyone or anything else but me. 

I hear at a meeting tonight, "I am trying to gain emotional sobriety." This is my goal, as well.

Serenity and peace come from within.

^^ I think that this is going to be my first tattoo, right on my ribcage.  :) 

We get by, with a little help from our friends.

Today was an absolutely, positively, magnificently, glorious day.  :)

Great yoga, empowering shift in the ER, beautiful sunset on the way home, and an AWESOME CoDA meeting tonight. 

 

I have learned that many things are not just what they seem, but they are rather a huge manifestation of many characteristics, ranging from people, places, to things. 

We would not be who we are if we did not have the environment around us. 

We would not know what we know if it were not for the daily interactions we experience. 

We would CERTAINLY not feel the same feelings without the joys of others in our lives. 

We are BLESSED people, to live in a world where we have SO much. Yet, when I think about it, we are also probably really poor in spirit because of all the UNNECESSARY stuff around us that prevent relationships from blossoming, strengthening, and growing, due to the distractions we face. 

I have come to enjoy something so much that it is hard to keep it in: 

I love my CoDA and Al-Anon family. 

The reading material is informative and makes you think inwardly about what it is that we, as recovering people, need to do to help US. 

The interactions, though, are a whole different story. The strength I get from the people in my groups is something that I have never experienced before. Not with family, not with friends, not with class mates or teachers.... 

THIS IS NEW, and THIS IS AMAZING. 

These people are all here for the same thing. They are here to recover and to prevent their future from recapitulating their past. They are here for happiness.

I was listening to the radio on my way home and the song Wonderwall, by Oasis came on. 

"I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all, you're my wonderwall."

It is  weird, but each of those people around those tables have truly been my wonderwall. You may never know where KNOWLEDGE will come find you, but when it does, you will probably not expect it from that particular person. Words flowing out of another's mouth, smacking you in the face. It really just depends on where each of us are at in our lives, but no matter what, there is something special going on, and I am benefiting from it!

The main thing is that we have to be open to hear  what others are saying, and once we are able to receive love, we can be love. 

Strength in numbers. This is not just a group, it's a family.  <3

Do any of you go to CoDA or Al-Anon?? If so, how do you feel about the group? Do you feel close? Do you get love out of it? Do you have questions about what Al-Anon or CoDA is?? I want to hear YOU....Leave a comment!!