Honesty is the best policy.

It's crazy to me to know and see how things truly are meant to happen these days. Nothing happens that isn't a part of the bigger plan.

Last night, around 6 PM, I went to a CoDA meeting. I was late. I was upset. I was surprised I even made it thru the door. But, the topic was on honesty and duty, and as soon as I heard that, I knew I was safe, and felt comforted.

Well, I am so happy that I went to that meeting because later that night, well actually, at 1am this morning, I got a BRUTALLY honest email from my boss telling me how I was NOT doing my duty.

As soon as I read the words, my heart was racing. I felt wronged, angered, and instantly defensive. This must be how it felt when I pointed out the wrong doings of others. No wonder it never went over well, especially with someone who was disease ridden!!

THANK GOD FOR CODA and AL-ANON.

My heart was still pounding two hours later, but eventually, I was able to get to sleep. When I woke up, the urge to get back at my boss jumped back into my head, and instead of taking the time that instant (mostly--actually, ONLY because I was late for work) to write her a spiteful, rude email, I prayed. I PRAYED, PRAYED, PRAYED. 

Dear Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

The courage to change the things I can, 

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen   

I went to work.

I played with little kids. 

I ate some food, drank some awesome coffee, and then I actually went back and looked in my old notes to verify what I thuoght, to what she was telling me. And guess what.....

I WAS WRONG!    

I hurriedly, but thoughtfully wrote back a concise reply that begged for forgiveness, and expressed utter dissatisfaction with my performance, with an emphasis on making sure the "incidences" would never happen again. PHEW!!!

 I am so thankful that I was truthful with MYSELF before blaming others. I am so thankful that I can honestly look back at my life and my doings and promptly admit when I do something wrong. 

And it is all because of the amazing program I am in. Thank you, THANK YOU, Thank You!!!

Be good to yourself. Be true to yourself. 

Who knows. If she would've let this go, never telling me the thruth, and then a week later, fired me because of the instances, I would've been crushed. I was so thankful for being told the truth and her BRUTAL honesty, for now I will grow and learn from this. 

This also goes for the people in my life. I can allow them to lie to me, as much as they do, and then when something awful comes up, I feel absolutely destroyed, because it wasn't the truth. Well, now I am going to do my best to be truthful to myself about the lies I accept. I seem to know what is going on, though I am just in denial about it, so I tell myself that everything is just fine. Well, that doesn't really sound like something that ANYONE should be doing.

I want to be honest with myself. 

I want happiness from within.

I want the love I deserve. 

I will be honest, I will be happy, and I will give myself love. 

To Thine Own Self Be True.....

 

<3 Amelia

   

WEI WU WEI: Doing not-doing.

 

"Less and Less do you need to force things,

 until finally you arrive at non-action. 

when nothing is done, 

nothing is left undone." 

--Lao-tzu

The beauty of life comes when you are able to Wei Wu Wei-- doing not-doing. 

"The game plays the game, the poem writes the poem and we can't tell the dancer from the dance. Nothing is done because the doer has wholeheartedly vanished into the deed."

--Stephen Mitchell

As I was meditating today, I reached a new level of consciousness. I felt. I breathed. I listened to my soul speak to my heart. I found answers in not-doing, because I was truly doing what I needed to do: Focus on myself.

This reasoning, this idea, this knowledge seems to be just happening to me, so to read about it today, was earth shattering amazing. 

I am a great believer of coincidences, but now, more than ever, I know they aren't that. Instead, it's the soul of the Universe speaking to me, teaching me, showing me, loving me. 

It can be the littlest things that turn out to be the biggest things, and that goes back to the concept of wei wu wei, doing not-doing. If you are in tune with the soul of the world, you are living in the present, doing the most, and seeing everything for what it is. 

Spirituality has become my sport, my drug, my high.

I want to do not-doing with my spirituality in the world. I want to see, hear, and feel the love this universe has for me. Embracing my higher power has allowed me to want this more than ever before. 

"I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts."

--Al-Anon: Courage to Change, pg. 339

"Whatever I focus on, I create in my life." --In This Moment, CoDA reader, pg. 339

"I ask God to help keep me on my course that will change me for better."--ODAT, pg.339

"Without Al-Anon, I might not have tapped into that Grace and the ability to love myself and others, EXACTLY where we are at in this moment in time." --Hope For Today, pg 339

My heart is holding onto these affirmations today, taking each in, feeling, loving, knowing--I am right where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing, and loving all that is this life, for there is no do over. 

I thank the Lord, for allowing me to go through hard times, so that I can grown, and find strength through overcoming anything that I am put through. 

"The only way past something is THROUGH it." 

Much love, to all of you. XOXO

<3 Amelia

A hurt ego, but a wise heart.

So, I am sitting here at work, after just finding out that I did not get the promotion/raise for the job I just got, and I am TRYING not to let it get to me. I needed to tell someone because not only is my ego bruised, (why didn't the doctors like ME???), but, I am also trying not to worry about what these doctors I am working with today are thinking of me.

Last night, I knew I would be finding out about this soon, so I made myself write down that I would be understanding, and that whatever decision that was made would be right for ME. Well, I know that it is. God allowed it to happen.

Now, thankfully, I can see things as they are and realize that the things that have been happening lately (like seeing the TA for the organic chemistry course that I met in line to vote again at the gas station) as an omen about NEEDING to continue with these classes so that I can go to medical school.

Maybe the promotion, with it's extra duties and extra hours, would have been more of a burden than a blessing. Maybe I would've hated it. Maybe I would've not continued with the two other classes having found out that I got this job, and then I would've prolonged my MCAT exam, and consequently my application to medical school...I am saying "maybe" because ALL OF THESE THINGS WERE THOUGHTS AND IDEAS THAT WERE GOING THROUGH MY HEAD!!! WOW!!!

In the book, The Alchemist,  by Paul Choelo, it talks about letting NOTHING get in the way of your dreams. It talks about keeping your heart and mind and soul open to the language of the world, and seeing things for what they are-- the language of the world--with all of it's messages, omens, and signs. It tells you what is happening, how it should be happening, and that whatever is happening is MEANT to happen. Holy Hott Stuff, I'm on to something!!!!

In the book, the boy is on his journey of his own personal legend. The boy meets a king, who first appears to him in a busy market place, but then he continues to appear to him, again and again, throughout the novel in different forms: a good idea, a kind merchant, a theif (weird, I know), and so many othe ways. He guides him, but he often tests him as well. He wants the boy to continue to fulfill his personal legend. The boy, just as he is very near to his personal legend, meets a girl and falls madly in love with her. He wants to abandon his dream, and stay with her. But, she tells him no. She says, you will never be happy if you don't do what your HEART is telling you to do.

So, just like the boy, I feel like my higher power is making me aware that this job, the promotion that I longed for, will not fulfill my heart, not my personal legend. It is not what I am destined to do. It is not the end of the road for me.

And thank GOD, because I really don't LOVE working 12 hour shifts in the ER 4 days a week!!!!

Okay, well now that I have written this blog post, I can clearly, happily, and wholeheartedly say that I am not distraught over the news. I know that there is something MORE I have to be doing, and even though it was something that I wanted to happen, it is not something that was supposed to happen for me.

Just like I have already learned, when I pray for something, I ALWAYS GET THE ANSWER I NEED, not necessarily what I think I need, or what I think I want. 

Positivity, Patience, and Persistence. 

Today, I have a program. I will not show that I am hurt, even though I may be. Without the Al-Anon and CoDA programs, I do not know where I would be. Without the people and literature and the meetings, I do not know if I would've handled it as well.

 Oh, and writing in this blog has TRULY helped.

<3 Amelia

Day 1: i need to move!

My life had become unraveled, stressed and filled with food.

Remember this: EAT TO LOVE, DON'T LIVE TO EAT. Or else you become fat. #truth. Unless you work out. #doubletruth

So, after summer parties, my sons birthday ...etc. I was over it...I needed to look and FEEL good.

While on pinterest one night, I came across this running program: the color run or something. The pic is below. Really easy start to running a 5k in 8 weeks. Minimal committment: 3x/ week, starting with just 20 mins. Nice. I did the first go around my block on Saturday july 7th 2012. It was hott, (as seen in the pic with my face) but worth it.

I started p90x on Monday. The plan is worth it folks. Step by step videos, diet plan and all. Even worksheets to write down your reps. Totally amazing. This is my 3rd time attempting it, and hopefully my first time finishing it!

Good luck, all. I know one thing: it's what you do at home, on those tired, lazy days that makes you feel better than ever!

...Amelia...