Closing time.

My emotions seem to be getting the best of me, lately.

Today I actually cried.

Right now I am stuck in the brutal throngs of indecision, worry, and fear. I am also extremely lonely, and pitiful, and that makes the emptiness echo all over my life.

I have to make a decision. The decision, I know, doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for this moment, in order to make my life livable.

An awesome song came on the radio tonight as I was driving home from a CoDA meeting.

 Closing Time by SEMISONIC

The line: "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," keeps ringing in my head. I can't stay in this negative place. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect it to change. I do believe that that is the definition of insanity. 

I want to be happy, free, and positive; right now, I do not think that I am living that way. I do not believe in the program that I am so gracious of, and I am forgetting all about step 1: I am powerless.

When we consciously work on the things that we want, we begin to practice them, and therefore we begin to live them. I want to have peace and serenity, and therefore

I am not giving up, I am just giving in. I am giving it up to my higher power, so that I may no longer have to worry about what it is my life is supposed to be. 


With the letting go of one thing, I can have more room to focus on what really counts, and for me that is getting into medical school.

In Al-Anon and CoDA, I have gained friends, young and old, that have taught me so much, listened, cared, and shared. They have allowed me to be myself, and even tonight, when I sounded like an old, broken record, they still listened and loved me. It is the one place where I can be completely silent, in the arms of these fine people, and feel completely comfortable.

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end."

Don't let NEGATIVE thoughts steal your energy!

I took a break yesterday from blogging due to my 12 hour shift at the ER. I am happy to be back writing again!! It truly does make me think about what I am feeling in the present moment.

It just so happens, I am not feeling very good right now, which is also why I am writing: so that I may come across some relief and serenity by getting these things out.

I am a faithful member of Al-Anon, and the reason I started going was because I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. My family also has some ingrained issues with the problems of alcoholism, so it has trickled down and effected me in specific ways in which I deal with other people, so through Al-Anon, I am working on my own spiritual and emotional recovery.

I went to a meeting today, and it was SO fitting. It was on the very first step.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable."

I was so happy to hear that it would be our topic for today, because even though i will have been in this program for 6 months at the end of December, I still have intense feelings of CHAOS in my life. That my life is TOTALLY unmanageable.

I am a wreck right now, sitting here, feeling bad for myself, and for my future. Scared that I will never see the person I care so much about gain sobriety and live a healthy life. Worried that this man will forever be the user and (alcohol) abuser that he is, and that his son will never truly know who he is capable of being. ANGERED that I keep letting myself think that things are okay,  "getting better", fixed.

Well, guess what... THEY AREN'T.

I told him today that I would love him no matter what, whether we were together or not, sober or not; he is the father of my child. But, I don't have to like him. I don't like him right now.

He is lying to me, and I know it is because of his disease...BLAH BLAH BLAH...

That's all I can seem to think about. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

The only reason I know all of this is because he accidentally butt-dialed me while at the bar. Smart one, genius. At least I did not call or text him with my anger. That is why it is coming out here.

Sorry for the long rant, but I am NOT going to let his NEGATIVE habits make MY life negative, too. I am writing to get this out. I am turning off my phone.

I am a wonderful person, I have friends, and people like me, DAMMIT!!!

OOOOMMMMMMMM. OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM. OOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM.

How do you deal with the loved ones in your life who have addictions? I'd love to hear about your succeses and struggles, your pains and sorrows, your happy moments and bad ones. I'm here to listen.